I Love Leonard
by lovepass77
Summary: This is my first real L/P fanfic. This one is based on some very funny classic episodes of the I Love Lucy Show, one of my all time favorite sitcoms. It is the story of what happens when Penny and Leonard decide to switch jobs with each other causing crazy, funny and sexy antics to ensue.
1. Chapter 1

**Title:** **I Love Leonard **

**Author:** lovepass77

**Rating:** T, but this story could turn M later depends on what feels right for it and fun.

**Genre:** Humor/Romance

**Summary**: This is my first real L/P fanfic. I usually write about the SHAMY, but I want to try writing a story focused on the other main characters of the show. This one is also based on some very funny classic episodes of the I Love Lucy Show, one of my all time favorite shows. This is the story of what happens when Penny and Leonard decide to switch jobs with each other and lots of crazy antics ensue.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own any of these characters. They all belong to CBS and Chuck Lorre.

**Chapter 1: The Job Switching **

Penny sits in her apartment on a Friday night drinking red wine while talking with her girlfriends Amy and Bernadette after a hard busy day working at the Cheesecake Factory.

Penny: "I love Leonard, but that boy he just doesn't know what I go through all day. I mean being a waitress at the Cheesecake Factory is the worst. My new boss is such a hard ass, let me tell you. And don't even get me started on the customers. They are so rude and I rarely get to take a day off. The pay is terrible and the uniforms are so ugly. I really need to find a new job."

Amy chimes in eager to give her two cents on the subject.

Amy: "I know how you feel, today in the lab one of our coke addicted monkeys got loose and he tried to hump me from behind."

Bernadette and Penny both grimace with disgust at the thought of being attacked by a monkey like that.

Bernadette: "That's horrible, what did you do?"

Amy: "Oh I let him finish. That was the most action I've had in the lab since I volunteered for an experiment to induce orgasms through stimulating the pleasure centers of the brain."

Both Penny and Bernadette shake their heads at her even more disturbed to hear that she actually enjoyed being humped by an animal. Penny goes back to complaining about her job until Leonard comes into her apartment to ask her for something.

Leonard: "Hey, Penny can I borrow some butter… Sheldon got his head stuck in another hole."

Penny puts down her glass of wine on her coffee table and groans in annoyance.

Penny: "Really….AGAIN? God, what is wrong with him?"

She gets up from the couch and heads to her fridge to pull out some butter.

Leonard: "My theory is who ever tested Sheldon later got his license revoked by the state."

Amy: "I just wish he'd get his head stuck in my hole."

Bernadette looks at Amy with a mixed facial reaction of "Ewwww." and "Not now Amy." But, Amy is too horny right now to care much.

Leonard: "So what have you girls been talking about?"

Bernadette: "Mostly, about how much Penny hates working at the Cheesecake Factory. I know it's pretty bad there that's why I quit."

Penny walks over to the door and hands Leonard a bar of cold butter still wrapped up so that he can use it to pry Sheldon's head out.

Leonard: "Oh come on, it can't be that bad. I wouldn't mind working around other people all day. Being in the lab all by myself can get pretty lonely."

Penny: "Leonard, you have no idea what's it like working with the public. Why they're animals and when it's feeding time they go nuts.

Amy suddenly chimes in again this time even louder than before because she has had too much wine to drink so she doesn't realize how totally off topic and loud she's getting.

Amy: "I LOVE NUTS! Especially, the Brazilian kind they're just scrumdiddlyumptious."

They all pause to look at her for a second then Penny continues whining to Leonard.

Penny: "Plus, you haven't met my new boss, Lydia. She's the worst. It's like she's got her head permanently stuck in her own hole."

Leonard: "Wow, Penny if it's really so awful for you, why don't you take a couple of days off? Come hang with me in my lab…I can wear that black underwear you bought me again.

He slyly smiles at her hoping she'll take him up on his offer for sex. But, Amy frowns at the both of them still feeling sorry for herself that she hasn't been able to convince Sheldon to have sex with her in a lab yet.

Amy: "Oh yeah…rub in it you guys! It's not bad enough I had to spend the day watching a bunch of addicted monkeys jerk off."

Penny rolls her eyes at Amy then turns back to Leonard.

Penny: "I'd love to take some time off, but I really need the money maybe if I could get someone to fill in for me. But, I don't know who would."

Leonard sighs as he thinks about it. He wants to help Penny out so he makes another suggestion.

Leonard: "Alright, how about we switch. I'll go work at the Cheesecake factory and you can vacation in my laboratory for a few days."

Penny: "Really, you'd do that for me?"

Leonard: "Sure, just as long as you give me a kiss…and uh..."SAY _THAT THING_"…..again."

Penny: "What thing?"

Leonard: "You know… "_THAT THING_"….I promise I won't cry this time."

She suddenly remembers exactly what it is that he wants her to say to him, but she's not sure if he is ready to take over her job just yet.

Penny: "I don't know ….do you really think you can handle my job for a whole week, Leonard?"

Leonard: "Oh of course I can. Taking orders, handing people their food, mixing drinks so not a problem. I'll do your job for the week and you can do mine. So have we got a deal?"

Bernadette smiles as she nods at Penny indicating that she thinks it sounds like a nice offer and that Penny should probably take him up on it. So Penny finally smiles at her boyfriend then she kisses Leonard sweetly while batting her eyelashes.

Penny: ""Thanks Leonard…I love you."

Amy and Bernadette grin when they hear Penny say this to him… they both yell out at the same time…."Oooooo…Oooooo…wooooo," like gossipy little school girls.

Leonard smiles at her too, very happy and turned on that Penny is finally willing to admit her true feelings to him even in front of their friends. But, Penny is just glad she gets to take some time off work.

Penny: "This is going to be sooooo great….a whole week of just goofing off in a science lab and no waitressing. I can't wait!"

She grins happily until Leonard hands her back the butter she just gave to him.

Leonard: "Here, you're going to need this. Oh and try not to get any inside his ears otherwise he'll make you clean them out for him and give you a long lecture about ear infections."

Penny: "Wait, what?"

Leonard: "Part of my job is taking care of Sheldon you know that, it's in the roommate agreement and President Seibert pays me a little extra under the table to keep Sheldon away from him at work. So now it's your turn."

Penny stares at him still a little confused by this because she didn't see it coming. Amy and Bernadette immediately start giggling when they realize Penny just got duped. Soon Penny realizes that she may have just made a horrible mistake in trading her job for a whole week of dealing with Sheldon.

Penny: "Oh crap on a cracker!"

Leonard: "Have Fun!"

He pats her on the shoulder and she sighs with aggravation. Penny grumpily grabs her car keys and heads out to go pry Sheldon's head out of a hole in the university cafeteria. Leonard grins as she leaves and plops himself down on her couch glad that he doesn't have to deal with Sheldon's unusual craziness anymore this week.

**Author's Note: Thanks for reading my new story and** **stay tuned for lots more silly and sexy fun coming up for this couple. Also, feel free to share in the comment section some of your favorite I Love Lucy moments because I plan to incorporate several fun ones into this story. **


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2: Meet the Mertzes **

After spending time at Penny's place catching up with her friends, Bernadette comes home for the evening and turns on the light. She is startled when Howard suddenly appears sitting on couch waiting for her. He is very upset about the current state of their finances.

Bernadette: "Oh my! Hi, honey... uh so what's for dinner?"

Howard: "I don't know…. why don't you ask the guys down at the free soup kitchen what's for dinner since thats all we can afford."

Bernadette stares at him confused as she puts down her purse and jacket.

Bernadette: "Huh...what do you mean?"

Howard: "I stopped by the bank on the way home Bernie and they showed me this."

He holds up Bernadette's cancelled check in the air as he frowns at her.

Howard: "Your check to the beauty parlor bounced and the account was overdrawn."

Bernadette she grabs hold of check in surprise.

Bernadette: "But…but… I don't understand. I write a check to them every month it's never bounced before."

Howard: "Yeah, well most checks don't have a little note on the back like this one: 'Dear teller. Be a lamb and don't put this check through til the first.' Now what do you got to say for yourself?"

She sighs sadly, pouts her lips then shrugs her shoulders trying to behave as innocent as possible so that he won't get too mad at her for spending so much money at the beauty salon and writing a bad check.

Bernadette: "Guess that's why they call them tellers. They just go around blabbing everything they know don't they?"

Howard glares at her and snatches the check back still very upset about this mess. He has always been very good at keep tracking of his money, but he had no idea Bernadette was so bad at accounting.

Howard: "It's not funny, BERNIE!"

Bernadette: "Okay, okay I'm sorry. I guess I came up a little short this month. I promise I'll put the money back into the account just as soon as I get paid again. "

Howard: "Bernadette, this has got to stop. I don't work hard all day for you to go spending up all my money on this nonsense."

Bernadette: "Hey, wait a minute…. I work hard too!"

Howard scoffs at her reply as he heads into their kitchen to grab himself a beer.

Howard: "Why can't you just do you own hair? I mean paying two hundred dollars for a hair cut is ridiculous. My mom has been cutting my hair for free for years and it looks great!"

Howard pats his Beatles style haircut with his hand and Bernadette looks up at his hair wishing she could tell him just how stupid everyone thinks his haircut really looks. But, she decides to spare his feelings for the moment.

Bernadette: "It was not just a hair cut. I also got highlights in my hair, a bikini wax and a mani-pedi with that…..besides what about you?"

Howard: "Me!?"

He has no idea what she is talking about. So Bernadette quickly walks over to their bookcase and grabs off a shelf several of his mint condition and very expensive comic books.

Bernadette: "Every week you go to the comic book store and buy all these comic books, toys and video games. Talk about a waste of money."

Howard: "Hey be careful with those! That is an original first edition of The Punisher you've got there. These are all collector's items, Bernie!"

He snatches his comic books back and carefully puts them back on the shelf before she bends them up.

Howard: "They only appreciated in value over time. My comic book collection is worth every penny I spend on it. But, what about all those clothes in your closet huh? Why do you need to go buy so many dresses when you wear the same old lab coat over them all at work every day anyway?"

Bernadette: "It's called having STYLE, dear. I have to attend important meetings on a daily basis and give presentations about all the new drugs we're testing. I need to look my best that way I'll get another promotion."

Howard: "Oh come on, it's not like standing around talking about drugs all day is that difficult. You should try my job sometime. I have to engineer important new technology and build equipment for space. Now that's hard work."

Bernadette: "What? You think my job is easy? Have you ever been quarantined because you were bitten by a small pox infested fruit fly? Well have you!?"

Howard can tell she is starting to get mad because her nostrils are flaring so he backs away nervously because he is still a bit afraid of his small, but very vengeful wife.

Howard: "Uh…no."

Bernadette: "That's what I thought! I wake up every morning at five am and sometimes I don't get home from work until after eight sometimes nine. You don't even have to stay at the university all day to work they always let you bring your work home so you just come and go as you please. I wish I had it so easy."

Howard: "Easy! My job is far from easy. I bet you couldn't do what I do for even one day."

Bernadette: "You think so…alright you've got yourself a bet sweetie pie! Only let's make it a week."

Howard: "Okay! Uh…..wait…what?"

Bernadette: "On Monday, we can swap jobs like Penny and Leonard are doing? You'll go to work at my lab and I'll go work at yours."

Howard: "Seriously… You want do my job? But…I'm right in the middle of working on new telescope for NASA. You don't know the first thing about space engineering."

Bernadette: "I have a PH.D in microbiology sweetie. I'm sure I can figure it out…can't be that hard if you only need a Masters to do it."

Howard glares at her for once again putting down his lack of education just like Sheldon does all the time. So he decides to up the stakes on this new bet since she is being so smug towards him.

Howard: "If we do this then that means you are totally responsible for doing everything that I usually do in a day not just my work in the lab."

Bernadette: "Okay, I can do what you do all day, no problem."

Howard: "And if you fail at even one task of mine then that means I win and you soooo… owe me."

Bernadette: "Owe you what?"

Howard grins lustfully and wrinkles his eyebrows like he's checking her out. Then Howard looks at their bedroom door behind Bernadette with a perverted gleam in his eye. She turns her head and glances at the door too wondering what he is thinking about right now.

Howard: "Oh baby, you know what I want. I want the one thing I've been asking you to do for me in the bedroom since we got married. And you know exactly what I want you to wear when we do _"THAT THING_" and who with."

Bernadette's smile quickly disappears from her face. She starts to feel nervous realizing what is at stake if she loses and knowing exactly what sick perverted sexual act Howard will make her do for him if he wins this bet. But, then she thinks up some horrible things to make him do for her outside of the bedroom if she wins instead and that makes her smile again.

Bernadette: "Fine, I'll do it. But, that means you have to do everything I do all day too and not fail at anything either. And, if I win then you have to be my slave around the house for a whole day."

Howard: "Babe, I'm a married Jewish man; we know all about being slaves. Bring it!"

Bernadette: "Great, now go enjoy your weekend because starting Monday, the REAL… work begins."

Howard scoffs again then he takes another sip of his beer.

Howard: "Yeah, alright missy. Just make sure you ready for…."

He quickly pulls out his cell phone and presses the WHIP app button on his phone as he flicks his wrist. The sound of a whip cracking snaps loudly in the air and Howard grins excited to show his wife that he can be the BOSS for a change. Bernadette rolls her eyes then she heads for the bathroom to start getting ready for bed.

**Author's Note: Okay, so I'm putting some Howard/Bernadette into the mix. They are sort of the Fred and Ethel of this story. Take care. **


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3: The** **Deoxyribonucleic Acid Donation **

Penny sits in the cafeteria with a wet rag wiping butter off the sides of Sheldon's face and cleaning it out of his ears. He is already annoying her by whining about how it can cause ear infections if she doesn't get all the butter removed. She grumpily sighs and shakes her head at him.

Penny: "Why the hell did you stick your head in that hole in the first place?"

Sheldon: "Scientific curiosity."

She scoffs and folds her arms.

Penny: "Well did you find anything?"

Sheldon: "Yes, as a matter of fact I did. I overheard a very interesting conversation while I was stuck in there.

Penny: "Interesting? Ha! I doubt that, but go on."

Sheldon: "Dr. Grauman and Dr. Wayne were discussing a genetic reproduction experiment that they are about to start next week. They plan on implanting university donated sperm into fertile female volunteers using a new laser technology they've invented and then studying the effects."

Penny: "Okay so what's the big deal?"

Sheldon: "The big deal is we have to get my sperm out of the freezer in the lab before there's a mini me running around!"

Penny grimaces and groans at the thought of going anywhere near Sheldon's sperm so she silently prays to God that she heard Sheldon wrong about what he just said.

Penny: "Uh…say what?"

Sheldon: "Penny, when I donated my DNA to the university it was years ago long before I ever thought I'd have a steady girlfriend."

Penny: "Yeah, so?"

Sheldon: "So I don't want Amy to find out about this and get upset. She's likely to read all about the experiment in the university newsletter when they publish the results and Amy knows I donated here. I told her so when we first met and we were considering having a child together before you talked me out of it. She even had her eggs frozen for us to use later. But, it'll drive her nuts knowing that another woman could be out there raising the greatest and most intelligent child the world has ever seen…a Sheldon 2.0 if you please. So you and I have to get my sperm out of the cryogenic freezer before they inject my DNA into some stranger's uterus with their godless laser machine. "

Penny stands up in total angst ready to stand her ground on this one.

Penny: "NO WAY HOSEA! I'm not going to break into a freezer in the middle of night just so you can get back your little "C-men". Sheldon this is ridiculous, you don't even know if they're going to use yours or not."

Sheldon stands up too and then he tells Penny to keep her voice down so the cafeteria cleanup crew won't hear him talking about committing this crime on university property.

Sheldon: "Actually, there is a very good chance they will. All the specimens are labeled by name, time and date. It has always been this university's policy to either use all donated genetic materials or re-donate these specimens to other research facilities. And, based on the time parameters I've calculated next week is the university's last chance to use their sperm specimens before they'll be re-donated someplace else. That's why the experiment starts first thing on Monday, but I can't let them use mine."

Penny: "Then just ask them for it back."

Sheldon: "Oh Penny, that's not how research works. They're not going to just let me have it back. I signed release forms and DNA like mine is no doubt highly valuable. I'm full of great genetic potential."

Penny: "I don't get it! Why do you care so much if they use your sperm for this experiment? I mean you're not going to be held responsible for what they do with it and Amy will understand."

Sheldon: "No. If anyone is going to have my child it has to be Amy. She is the only one qualified for the job of raising Sheldon junior. But, now is not a good time for us. I am on the verge of a scientific breakthrough that will no doubt win me a Nobel Prize and she's really busy with her monkey addiction experiments so there isn't enough time for her to volunteer for this experiment. But, if you don't want to help me then I can call Leonard to come down here. He always helps me with this type of thing. I don't even know why you came in the first place. This is really his responsibility, it's in our agreement."

Penny sighs sadly realizing that because she has made a deal with Leonard to switch jobs she is now responsible for helping Sheldon with his crazy, criminal mission to steal back his own sperm. But, she really…_REALLY_ doesn't want to do this so she tells Sheldon about the deal they made hoping that he'll reconsider.

Penny: "Well the thing is Leonard and I kind of made a new agreement today."

Sheldon wrinkles his eyebrows at her wondering what the heck she is talking about now.

Penny: "He has agreed to do my job at the Cheesecake factory for the week as long as I do his job here at the university. We sort of switched."

Sheldon: "Oh no…you can't be serious?"

Penny nods nervously in reply knowing that Sheldon is definitely not going to be happy about it.

Sheldon: "Why this is mutinous, I didn't authorize this! He knows that _**we**_ donated sperm here and he's always been my little partner in crime. Leonard can't just go making deals with you without consulting me first. The roommate agreement clearly states that he's not allowed to do that!"

Penny: "Look I'm sorry okay, but…wait…what did you just say? What do you mean…'we'?"

Sheldon: "Well his sperm is in there too."

Penny: "WHAT?!"

Sheldon pulls out his cell phone angrily ready to call Leonard up and chew him out over this new deal with Penny being made behind his back.

Sheldon: "Oh boy does he have some 'splainin to do!"


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4:** **The Cryogenic Freezer Conundrum**

Penny grabs Sheldon's arm to stop him from calling Leonard. She had no idea Leonard donated his sperm to the university too, but she doesn't want her boyfriend's sperm to be used for this experiment either. Penny worries that Leonard will disagree with Sheldon and try to stop them from stealing it back. Since the sperm donation occurred before they became a couple she knows that she doesn't really have the right to challenge Leonard on this matter unless they don't tell him about it.

Penny: "No, don't call him. I…I'll do it Sheldon."

Sheldon: "Really, why the sudden change of heart?"

He frowns at her unsure of why she doesn't want him to call Leonard. She sighs anxiously not really wanting to reveal her true feelings about Leonard to Sheldon, but in this particular situation Penny feels she has no other choice.

Penny: "Look I get it okay. All this weird science DNA stuff is your guys' thing…not mine. I know Leonard wants children someday he told me so. I'm not saying I want to have any kids, but I'd like to keep my options open. If I ever do decide to have a baby with him then I want the children to be ours. I don't want some other chick involved. So please don't mention anything about this to Leonard and I won't say a word to Amy…Deal?"

Sheldon looks at her skeptically for a minute not sure if she's really up to the task of stealing sperm and he hates keeping secrets. But, he also does not want Amy to get all upset over this so he sighs and puts his phone back in his pocket.

Sheldon: "Alright, Penny it's a deal. You can be my plus one for the week. But, you'll have to fill out the necessary paperwork when we get home. Now follow my lead.

Penny: "Okay."

Penny follows Sheldon out of the cafeteria into the hallway. First, they head into Sheldon's office to get his lock pick set, the same one he uses to break into her apartment whenever he feels like it. Next, they go to Leonard's lab where Sheldon borrows white lab coats for them to put on and disguise themselves as DNA specialists. He then tries to put on a pair of silly looking toy glasses attached to a big fake nose as part of his disguise, but Penny talks him out of wearing it because it looks totally crazy and wouldn't fool anyone. After they finish bickering over the glasses, he takes Penny to the university DNA laboratory to break into the cryogenic freezer.

Sheldon bends down with his lock pick to unlock the door to the lab.

Sheldon: "You keep a look out."

Penny nods her head as she peaks around the corner to make sure that no one is coming. She still can't believe that she is actually about to steal sperm from a lab with Sheldon, but if they succeed at least it'll be an interesting story to tell her grandchildren someday. He unlocks the door and they both sneak inside to take a look around. Penny has never been inside the DNA lab before and all of the scientific equipment and lasers inside it look totally foreign to her.

Penny: "Hey what's this?"

Sheldon glares at her when he sees her touching the university's equipment.

Sheldon: "Put that down! You're leaving fingerprints on it, classic rookie mistake. Jeez, haven't you ever been on a B&E before?

Penny: "A what?"

Sheldon: "A B&E it means breaking and entering."

Penny: "No, Sheldon I don't go around breaking into science labs to steal stuff on a regular basis."

Sheldon shakes his head sadly as he puts on his gloves and quickly wipes down the fingerprints she just left behind on the side of a microscope. He has lots of practice breaking into labs at this university to either pull pranks on his colleagues or "borrow" their equipment whenever he so desires too. He figures his work is much more important than theirs anyway so Sheldon doesn't think it's wrong to break in and take stuff. He just wishes Leonard wouldn't bug him so much about making sure to return it all.

Sheldon: "tsk tsk…such a pity. You really do have so much to learn."

He hands her a spare pair of latex gloves to put on. Penny rolls her eyes and scoffs in disbelief at how totally comfortable he seems while doing something so crazy in her mind. Then she puts the gloves on.

Sheldon: "Why just a few weeks ago we had to help Wolowitz break into the ladies bathroom shower to uninstall his old web camera. He promised Bernadette he'd take it down so Leonard and I had to pose as plumbers fixing the toilets. Ah…memories."

Sheldon hisses out a small giggle at the fond memory of it as he props open the door to the freezer.

Sheldon: "Then there was the time Leonard and I stole Stephen Hawking's footprints from the university's memorial park the night before the grand opening."

Penny: "Oh my God! Why would do that?"

He looks back at her when she asks this question as if it's a perfectly normal thing to spend your Sunday night doing.

Sheldon: "Because we can."

She shakes her head as they both walk into the freezer. Then they quickly start looking for the right section of sperm donations.

Penny: "Come on; let's go its freezing in here."

Sheldon: "Well of course it is Penny, it's a freezer."

She rolls her eyes and glares again then Penny opens up one of the freezer drawers to see what is inside.

Penny: "Is this it?"

She pulls out a drawer and holds up a small test tube filled with an unknown substance.

Sheldon: "No, that is not it. Put that back! Those are all volatile chemicals, likely to explode easily. What are you trying to do get us killed in here!?"

Penny: "Sorry, I didn't know."

Penny carefully puts down the dangerous tube while Sheldon finds the correct section full of semen specimens. He reads the labels searching for test tubes labeled L. Hofstadter and S. Cooper. He is surprised for a moment to discover instead that there are over six different test tubes labeled H. Wolowitz. The thought of that many little Howards running around in world sends shivers down Sheldon's spine so he immediately grabs them all so he can dispose of them along with Leonard's sample. He hands Leonard's test tube over to Penny then he finds his own sperm sample and hands that one to her as well.

She holds the test tubes very far away from her body like they are the grossest things she has ever had to handle. To Penny touching these tubes filled with semen is so much worse than gutting a dead fish or picking up live worm bait, but Sheldon doesn't have a problem with it at all. He actually likes being inside of the university freezers because he knows the frigid cold temperatures kill any and all germs. He closes the cabinet full of specimens then they exit the freezer and head back into the lab to warm up.

Sheldon: "Now give me those so I can destroy all the evidence."

Penny hands Sheldon the test tube full of his own sperm, but then she hesitates with Leonard's test tube.

Sheldon: "What's wrong?"

Penny: "We can't…I mean I can't. This is wrong Sheldon."

Sheldon: "But…you said…."

Penny: "I know what I said! But, Leonard made this donation for a reason. Science is important to him and I can't just take that away. Let's just put his back."

Sheldon: "Uh…okay if you insist."

Dr. Grauman suddenly starts unlocking the door to the laboratory to come inside and grab some paperwork before he leaves for the weekend. Sheldon and Penny immediately start freaking out when they hear him coming. They both run back into the freezer to hide before they get caught.

Sheldon: "Grab the door, Penny!"

Penny quickly lunges her whole body forward onto the freezer floor and manages to barely stop the freezer door from closing in on them. She stays perfectly still and silent freezing on the floor until Dr. Grauman finishes packing up his things and leaves again. She sighs in relief once he is gone and then Penny stands back up straight. But, the test tube filled with Leonard's sperm accidently slips out of her other hand and smashes into pieces.

Penny and Sheldon both stare at the broken glass and frozen mess lying on the freezer floor.

Penny: "Holy crap on a cracker!"

Sheldon looks at Penny and shakes his head with a facial impression of "Nice going genius!"

He grabs a broom in the lab and quickly sweeps up the glassy mess while Penny paces back and forth panicking about what to do about the awful conundrum she has put them in now.

**Author's Note: LOL, okay be honest how many of you thought while reading this that they were so going to get themselves locked in the freezer instead? Well stay tuned to find out how Penny and Sheldon decide to deal with this new little uh….problem. ;) But, don't worry this is not about to turn into a Shenny story. **


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5: The Semen Situation **

Penny watches in horror as Sheldon brushes the leftovers of Leonard's test tube into a trash can in the lab. She doesn't think she will be able to stand the embarrassment if Leonard ever finds out what happened here. She looks at Sheldon expecting him to have some sort of solution to their current conundrum.

Penny: "What are_** we**_ going to do!?"

Sheldon: "We? I'm not the one who dropped it. Nice going, butter fingers!"

Penny: "Hey! The only reason I even had buttery fingers was because I had to pry your stupid head out of that STUPID…HOLE! And, it was your crazy idea to do this in the first place. "

She removes her slippery latex gloves and angrily tosses them at the trash can.

Sheldon: "Well be that as it may, you're still in a sticky wicket. So might I suggest we get out of here before the night security cameras turn on?"

Penny sighs anxiously then nods her head ready to get the hell out of this lab before anything else really terrible happens. Sheldon rushes around the room making sure that none of their finger prints are left behind then he grabs the bag out of the trash can. He tosses the rest of the stolen test tubes into the bag while Penny peaks outside the lab door to make sure no one is in the hallway.

Then she motions to Sheldon that the coast is clear for them to make their escape. They both sneak out of the DNA lab and head back to Leonard's lab to put back the lab coats. Sheldon properly destroys the rest of the DNA evidence including his own semen using one of Leonard's high powered lasers.

Penny paces back and forth still trying to come up with a solution. She glances over at a tray full of empty test tubes and then a seemingly brilliant idea hits her like a truck! She grabs one of the brand new test tubes by the sink in Leonard's lab and holds it out at Sheldon.

Penny: "Alright, fill her up quick."

Sheldon stares at her very confused for a second then he looks down at the test tube in her hand still not comprehending what Penny is getting at.

Sheldon: "No. Thanks. I already voided my bladder at 5:20 today."

She shakes her head and shoves the tube into his hand.

Penny: "Come on just do it. It's the only way. Leonard can never find out that we broke in and tried to steal his sperm. We have to use yours."

Sheldon: "Oh so you want me to…"

The thought of what Penny is asking him for makes Sheldon feel incredibly nauseated so he immediately frowns at her and then puts down the test tube.

Sheldon: "Hmmm…how can I put this in a way that you'll understand…. uh…. NO!"

Penny: "Oh come on Sheldon, be a pal! You have to do this for me please. Just go in the bathroom real quick, fill it up and re-label the tube. Then you know we can just put it back in the freezer and no one will ever know the difference right?

Sheldon: "Of course they will! It's a D.N.A lab Penny! The entire experiment is being run by professional DNA specialists. Sure that doesn't exactly make them geniuses or anything, but it does mean they know to test each and every single tube in there before they use them. They have all of our DNA patterns on file in the university's computer system. They'll definitely figure out its mine and not Leonard's just as soon as they start running data tests. Besides, I already told you I don't want any part of this experiment. Let's just go home."

He starts walking towards the door, but Penny rushes in front of him and blocks his path to the exit.

Penny: "SHELDON LEE COOPER! You got me into this hot mess and so help me I will give you a BIG FAT WET WILLY…and a NUGGIE if you don't help me fix this!"

Sheldon: "You wouldn't dare?"

Penny: "Hmmm…how can I put THIS in a way.…YOU WILL understand…uh…YOU BETCHA SWEET MAMA I WILL!"

Penny puts her index finger in her mouth and then spits on it. She holds her wet germy finger up near his face ready to stick it in his ear if he doesn't start cooperating. He immediately backs away from her dreading the thought of her nasty mouth germs getting into his ear, especially after she already got all that awful sticky butter up in there.

Sheldon: "Wait…wait… maybe there's another way."

Penny: "What?"

Sheldon: "Well, I…I…can put the tube back in the freezer on Sunday before Dr. Grauman and Dr. Wayne come back Monday morning. That'll give you some time to collect Leonard's sperm."

Penny: "uh..Okay."

Sheldon: "It's the only way this will work so they don't figure out we broke in. It has to be Leonard's D.N.A."

Penny: "But, how the hell am I supposed to get Leonard's sperm without telling him what we did huh?"

Sheldon slyly smiles appearing almost normal for a split second.

Sheldon: "Penny…come on…you're his girlfriend. I'm sure you can think of a way to get him to squirt out some goofy juice. You two go at it like rabbits all the time. Just do your _THING_."

Penny thinks about his idea for a minute. She realizes that for this plan to work she'll need to break out her sexy new nerd glasses again. She figures playing a sexy scientist and seducing Leonard into giving her a new sperm sample might just be the exact kind of kinky, twisted foreplay her nerdy little boy toy would love to try anyway. She finally relaxes a little and puts her dirty finger down.

Penny: "Are you sure, you can get back in the lab on Sunday?"

Sheldon: "Absolutely, I come into work on Sundays all the time. I'll just make Amy drop me off."

Penny nods her head realizing their new plan might really work.

Penny: "Okay…okay then. Let's go. I've got a cute nerd waiting for me at home and a test tube to fill."

She grabs the lab coat back out of the closet that she just took off so she can wear it for Leonard later tonight. Sheldon sighs with relief glad that he isn't going to get any more of her germs on him or have to masturbate for her. Despite, Leonard's silly jokes about how good Sheldon is at it, Sheldon has never really liked touching himself "down there." The lack of mental focus, disturbing sensations, awkward noises and yucky messiness makes him so uncomfortable that he has made it one of his personal rules to release his seed just once a year if that.

Tonight is not the right one for him, but he remembers that the correct date is fast approaching. Sheldon chooses to only masturbate for exactly twenty minutes on the day…exactly nine months before his birthday each year. He figures that particulate date is the most appropriate one based on his own calculation. It is when his daddy's sperm made its final journey into his mother's vagina to create him in the first place. Sheldon realizes that according to his schedule it means he is supposed to masturbate on this coming Thursday. As Penny drives him home, he finds himself wondering whether or not he should share his private rule with Amy or not. He isn't sure yet so he decides to ask Penny about it first.

Sheldon: "Penny, how often do you masturbate?"

She gasps in shock and suddenly hits the brakes on her car. She takes a loud, exhausted breath as the car comes to a screeching halt right in the middle of Baltic Avenue. Her cheeks turn red with embarrassment.

Penny: "Uh…come again?"

Sheldon: "I'm just curious. How many times do you ladies' masturbate in the calendar year? I can only assume it is a lot right? Like at least what three, maybe four times a year?"

Penny pulls her car over to side of the road then she turns towards Sheldon. She looks him directly in the eyes trying her best to remain calm while resisting the growing urge to just slap him in the face for asking such a personal question.

Penny: "Okay, I am only going to say this once. So listen up. It is NEVER…okay to ask a girl about that. What I do with my private um….time is none of your business. Got it!?"

He frowns at her confused by her attitude. But, then it dawns on him what her real problem must be.

Sheldon: "Awww…man you're on your period again aren't you? Penny, your menstrual periods and accompanying mood swings are happening far too often and lasting way longer than normal for a woman your age. You might really want see a doctor about it."

She rolls her eyes and grinds her teeth irritated by his condescending tone and embarrassing questions.

Sheldon: "The only reason I ask about your masturbatory habits is because I am considering talking to Amy about mine."

Penny sighs knowing she will regret asking this next question, but still she does it anyway out of habit.

Penny: "Why?"

Sheldon: "Well because I've destroyed our Plan A so that means coming up with a Plan B. If Amy and I ever want to have a child in the future then I'll need to make another sperm sample."

Penny: "Oh…gross…I really don't need to hear about this Sheldon."

Sheldon: "But, if I create a new sample I was thinking maybe I should give it to Amy for safe keeping this time. I only masturbate once a year, and that day is coming up soon. So I need to be ready to make a decision before it's too late."

Penny: "Okay first of all…Ewwwww! Second…why don't you just have sex with her instead genius?"

He scoffs at her silly suggestion like that is total nonsense.

Sheldon: "Oh Penny. You know we can't do that."

Penny: "Uh…Why the hell not?"

Sheldon: "Amy and I are scientists. If we don't create a baby using science then you know what that would make us?"

Penny: "Uh…normal?"

Sheldon: "Exactly! I mean can you imagine."

Penny rolls her eyes not wanting to imagine them having sex at all. She sighs again still not really understanding his total aversion to something that she personally thinks is one of the best things to do in the whole universe.

Penny: "Look, Sheldon. People in the real world have SEX it's a part of life. And, it is FUN! It's like what you said about pizza and those particle thingies, even when it's stinks, sex is still pretty good."

Sheldon mulls over what Penny is telling him, but quickly decides to dismiss it as hokum without really giving her a reason.

Sheldon: "So should I talk to Amy or not?"

Penny: "I don't know Sheldon. Yeah go ahead and talk to her I guess. Just do whatever it is you want to do and leave me out of it…please."

Sheldon sighs finally realizing that he has once again managed to make Penny very uncomfortable. Though he can't understand why since it's pretty obvious to anyone who knows her that Penny is usually interested in talk of a sexual nature. He decides it must be cramps making her act this way.

Sheldon: "Fine, I will talk to Amy about it. She's a level headed gal. We should be able to get a smart, logical plan in place fairly quickly so that I don't have to worry about my sperm anymore."

Penny: "Great, now no more talking about…SPERM! This is quiet time."

She quickly turns on the radio in her car trying to find some soothing music to calm her nerves and mentally prepare herself to seduce Leonard when she gets back to the apartment. She hears an old classic song start to play on a Spanish language radio station and it gives her an idea for the perfect way to get Leonard to give her a new sample. She softly hums along with the Latin tune as she drives home.

**Author's Note: Hope you enjoyed this chapter and feel free to leave your comments. Just a heads up the next chapter will be Rated M because of the sexual content. So get ready for a little kinky weirdness coming up as Penny tries to seduce the sperm right out of Leonard. Stay Tuned. **


	6. Chapter 6

**Rated M: For Some Sexual Content. **

**Chapter 6: The Carmen Miranda Experiment **

Penny and Sheldon walk up the stairs together. When they reach the third floor, Amy comes out of Penny's apartment stumbling down drunk. She laughs loudly and Leonard giggles along with her because he also had a little too much wine and whiskey while waiting for Penny to return.

Amy: "Hi PENNY!

Amy smacks Leonard on the shoulder to get his attention.

Amy: "Look…look Lenny...its Penny… she's back!

Leonard: "Yes…yes… I can see her…Hey there pretty lady. Isn't she pretty?"

Amy nods her head in agreement with him.

Amy: "Oh yeah! She's like a sexy blond capuchin even her armpits smell nice!"

Penny frowns at them not sure where they are headed or why they are so drunk.

Penny: "Hey…uh is everything okay?"

Amy: "Oh it's all good…..Little Lenny and I were just playing that game you taught me. You know the one with the cups. I WON!"

Amy throws her arms up high in the air excited by her victory, but she almost falls backwards. Leonard laughs and grunts as he pushes her forward again so she can stand up straight.

Penny: "Well if you won the game, how come you're so tossed?"

Leonard: "She celebrated her win by drinking an entire bottle of Bourbon by herself. It was awesome! Sheldon you should have seen it! Your girl can really suck it down."

Sheldon: "Excuse me!?"

They both grin at Sheldon who stares back confused and starting to feel just a bit jealous though he has no idea why or even what he is really feeling right now.

Amy: "Hey cuddles."

Sheldon frowns still slightly embarrassed that she calls him by that adorable nickname and because he is not sure what Leonard just meant. He still has no idea how to interpret Amy's flirty behavior towards him or his friends and he is worried about her drinking so much. Amy winks at Sheldon and tries to do a sexy walk over to him in a pair of electric blue high heels she borrowed from Penny's closet. But, instead of walking she trips on the carpet and almost does a face plant. Luckily, Penny and Sheldon manage to catch her right before Amy hits the floor.

Penny: "Whoa, easy there. I think it's time you sat down sweetie."

Penny helps Amy into Sheldon's apartment and sits her down on the couch. Leonard follows them inside giggling to himself as he plops down in the chair in front of his work station.

Penny: "Sheldon, go make them some coffee please."

Sheldon: "Do you really think adding drugs will help this situation?"

Penny rolls her eyes at him knowing that he stupidly thinks coffee is just as bad as marijuana.

Penny: "Just do it!"

Sheldon sighs with frustration as he removes his jacket. Then he walks into his kitchen to put on a pot of coffee so Amy and Leonard can sober up. But, Leonard stands up again ready to hit the sack.

Leonard: "I'm okay. I don't want any coffee that'll keep me awake. I'm sleepy…time for bed."

Penny: "No! You can't go to sleep now."

She puts her hands up to block Leonard from heading back to his bedroom. He frowns at her not understanding why she won't let him go to bed.

Leonard: "Why not?"

Amy: "Oooo…oooo…I know… I know…lets all go skinny dipping in the lake. That's what all the cool kids use to do in high school. But, they never invited me to come. MEAN OL' BASTARDS!"

Amy makes a sad face then she hiccups. Leonard giggles again at Amy's silly drunk behavior. But, Sheldon doesn't find any of this amusing at all as he watches from the kitchen. He doesn't like it when his friends drink too much. They always revert back to their primal animalistic selves instead of thinking logically and thoughtfully like he wants them to and her idea of swimming while naked and intoxicated is beyond insane to him. He continues spooning coffee into the pot and frowning at them.

Penny: "Amy we can't go swimming there's no lake around here for miles and it's too late."

Amy: "Then turn on some music and let's DANCE!

She starts singing a sexy rap song by Nelly an artist that Penny added to Amy's IPOD last week.

Amy: "Oh yeah it's getting HOT IN HERRE! GONNA TAKE MY CLOTHES OFF!"

Amy starts unbuttoning her cardigan sweater while doing a little jiggle then she throws her sweater across the room and unzips her skirt to take it off too. Sheldon shakes his head and starts protesting this craziness. He doesn't want them to see his girlfriend naked, especially not Leonard.

Sheldon: "Stop it! You're acting like a crazy person."

Amy: "I'm not crazy YO MOMMA had me tested!"

She bursts out laughing at her terrible YO MOMMA joke then Amy immediately does a face plant onto Sheldon's couch and completely passes out.

Sheldon: "Amy? Amy, are you okay?"

He rushes over to check on his girlfriend and pulls her head sideways so he can make sure she's still breathing. But, Penny quickly assures him that Amy just needs to rest now.

Penny: "She'll be fine. Just let her sleep it off. I can't even count how many times I've passed out on a friend's couch."

Sheldon: "Well that number would be fairly easy to calculate first we can go back and look at the age you started drinking likely at what fourteen?"

Penny: "Thirteen…but….but...please not now. I'm trying to talk to Leonard."

Leonard: "I'll be fine, I just had little too much to drink."

Penny: "I know, but do you think… maybe you can sleep at my place tonight."

She playfully puts her arms on top of Leonard's shoulders and wraps her hands behind his neck.

Leonard: "Really!? You want me to sleepover?"

Penny nods her head and gives him a sexy seductive smile that says it all.

Penny: "Oh yes…Papi."

He finally gets what it is that she wants and that makes him extra happy.

Leonard: "AWESOME!"

Sheldon frowns at him again for shouting worried that he'll disturb Amy's sleep.

Sheldon: "Just keep it down you two. I left my noise cancelling headphones at work."

Penny rolls her eyes at that remark then she smiles at Leonard again.

Leonard: "Give me a few minutes to brush my teeth and change my underwear. I'll be right there."

Penny: "Great, I'll go get ready too. I have something real "special" planned."

Leonard: "Oooo…really…is it ANAL? Cause you know I've always wanted to try that!"

Penny and Sheldon both look at him totally disgusted. But, Leonard barely notices their disapproval. He giggles instead and tries to kiss Penny, but she stops him because his breath smells like whiskey. He looks at her wondering why she's stopping him.

Penny: "Baby, just go brush your teeth first and come see me later."

Leonard: "Oh right, sorry."

He covers his mouth then quickly runs to bathroom to freshen up so that they can GET IT ON. As soon as Leonard leaves the room Penny whispers to Sheldon.

Penny: "Okay, so what should I do with his _uh you know_…. once I get it? I don't want to put it in my freezer next to my food that's gross."

Sheldon: "Hmmm…well I have a medical cooler you can borrow it's in the closet over there."

Sheldon points at the closet. Penny opens it up and pulls out the cooler while he goes to his work desk to grab a form that he makes all of his friends sign whenever they borrow something that belongs to him. If any of them fail to return an item of his in mint condition then he gives them one strike and requires that they purchase for him a brand new one. He added the last part to the form after Howard had the audacity to return his blu-ray Lord of the Rings DVD with a damaged retention hub.

Sheldon: "You'll need to sign for it. Initial here and here."

Penny sighs aggravated with his strange formalities, but she signs his form anyway so that he'll let her borrow his cooler.

Penny: "Got any ice packs?"

Sheldon: "Yes of course. Check the freezer."

Sheldon quickly adds ice packs to his Borrowing of Property Form then he puts the form back into a neat file folder on his desk.

Penny takes three ice packs and puts them in the cooler then she heads out to the door to go get ready for Leonard.

Penny: "Okay wish me luck."

Sheldon stares at Penny confused by her request.

Sheldon: "Why? What does luck have to do with you jiggling your naughty bits around until Leonard gives up his man juice?"

Penny: "Oh never mind! Goodnight!"

She leaves their apartment and heads back over to her own. Leonard puts on the sexy black Calvin Klein knock offs Penny bought for him then he tweezes his eyebrows and plucks out a few stray nose hairs in front of the mirror. After his nose stops bleeding from the nose hair plucking he puts on some strong smelling cologne called STALLION MEDALLAION that supposedly makes the ladies swoon, but really smells more like a horse barn in the summertime.

Sheldon pulls out an extra blanket and a pillow from his bedroom closet for Amy to use. He walks back into the living room and places his blanket over Amy and puts the pillow under her head.

Leonard comes out of the bathroom happy and smiling.

Leonard: "So how do I look?"

Sheldon: "You look great for a man that is only five foot five and wearing entirely too much cologne."

Leonard: "Hey. I'm five foot five and a half!"

Sheldon: "Dare to dream, my friend, dare to dream."

Leonard rolls his eyes then quickly grabs his key to the apartment so he can get back inside in the morning without waking Sheldon or Amy up.

Sheldon: "Wait. Don't forget this.

Sheldon pulls out a little black bag filled with condoms, aphrodisiacs and baby oil for Leonard to use. Leonard shakes his head at the bag Sheldon gives him, but he takes it anyway because he doesn't feel like arguing with him about it.

Sheldon: And, wait…where's your inhaler? Don't leave home without it."

Leonard: "Penny lets me keep one at her place now."

Leonard: "See ya!"

Sheldon remembers what Penny said earlier about wishing people luck.

Sheldon: "Good luck! Oh and try to watch your aim. Her carpet already has enough stains."

He smiles innocently despite his disturbing comment and Leonard looks back at him totally confused as to what the hell Sheldon means by that. Fortunately, he knows his roommate well enough to not ask him follow up questions. Instead Leonard just leaves the apartment. Sheldon tosses out the coffee and washes the dishes then he starts making himself some tea before bed. He looks over at Amy sleeping on the couch and it makes him feel slightly happy inside to see her so peaceful. Sheldon drinks his tea in the kitchen quietly while watching her then heads to his bedroom to get ready for bed.

* * *

Meanwhile, Leonard knocks on Penny's door while she is still squeezing out several cans of whip cream all over her boobs and bikini area to make a sexy whipped creamed bikini for him.

Penny: "Just a minute!"

She quickly tosses the empty cans in the trash. Then Penny adjusts the sexy black Carmen Miranda wig on her head and makes sure that the bun is secure in back of it. Next, she turns on her stereo to play some smooth Latin jazz music and throws the lab coat on over her new bikini. Penny hides behind the island in her kitchen then yells for Leonard to come in. Leonard walks inside very excited to make whoopee. He immediately looks towards the bedroom.

Leonard: "Penny? Where are you?"

Penny: "I'm right here Papi."

She pops up from behind the counter wearing the same pair of black glasses and tall black boots that he likes her to wear. She picks up two test tubes off the counter filled with liquor and brings them over to him. Leonard can barely contain himself looking at how smoking hot she is right now. Penny hands him the test tube shots. He sits down on her couch holding one tube in each hand. She does a few sexy turns for him in the coat and then slides her glasses down her nose.

Penny: "Hydrogen…atoms."

Leonard moans in anticipation. He can already feel his stomach bubbling with excitement. He loves it when she uses sexy science words.

Leonard: "OH YEAH! Talk science to me baby come on."

Penny: "My limbic system wants you Leonard. I want you to taste me."

She rips off the lab coat so that he can see her whipped cream bikini. Penny dances around and shakes her fine booty in front of his drooling face. Next, she tries to sing along with the sexy Latin music, but she sounds terrible, especially because the song is in Spanish her pronunciation is horrible.

Penny: **"**_Mamãe eu quero, mamãe eu quero mamãe eu quero mamar!_

_Dá a chupeta, ai, dá a chupeta, ai, dá a chupeta dá a chupeta pro bebê não chorar!"_

She has already placed a bowl of bananas on her coffee table and assorted other fruits for them to play with. So Penny picks up a banana and starts to peel it slowly as she sings. Leonard bites his bottom lip to keep from coming right away when she licks the banana then puts the entire thing in her mouth at once before swallowing it. He feels his face and palms sweating profusely and his erection reaches maximum capacity.

Leonard: "HOLY….SWEET….MOTHER!"

Penny: "Now are you ready to do a new science experiment, Papi?"

He nods his head up and down dramatically too turned on to even make words anymore. Penny grins seductively as she takes one of the test tubes from him and shallows the vodka inside it in one big gulp to finish washing down the banana. Then she puts one leg up on her coffee table to give Leonard a nice clear look at her creamy white bikini zone.

He nearly passes out, but somehow manages to shallow the other shot in his hand before sliding off the couch onto his knees inching closer and closer to her. He runs both hands up Penny's big black boot on the table until he reaches her muscular inner thigh. Leonard nibbles and kisses her tender flesh feasting on her whip cream until Penny moans for him to stop.

Penny: "Ah, Ah, Ah. Not yet Papi. No more dessert until you finish my little experiment. I need you to go in the bathroom and fill this tube up for me. Tonight, I'm the sexy research assistant and you're my naughty little volunteer. Pretend you're a sperm donor and don't come out until it is full."

He can barely believe his ears. 'How did I get so lucky' he wonders…to have a girlfriend that is so hot and such a sex freak! He blinks his eyes twice to make sure he's not dreaming. Even if it is a dream he hopes he never wakes up again. Fortunately, for him this is all actually happening for real.

Leonard: "You are a dirty…dirty…girl!"

Penny: "I know honey I know."

She gives him one last sexy smile as he rushes to stand up and grab the test tube from her. But, as soon as he does the alcohol in his system decides it's just about ready to come back out and say hello. Leonard drops the test tube on the couch and races towards the bathroom to throw up. He doesn't even make it to toilet, but instead starts vomiting uncontrollably into the sink.

Penny: "Ah…man…DAMN… so close!"

She takes her leg down off the coffee table and sighs frustrated that her sexy plan has failed. Penny frowns knowing that she is so totally screwed now that Leonard is too sick to masturbate or have sex with her tonight. But, like any good girlfriend would she throws the lab coat back on over her naked messy body and goes into the bathroom to help him.

**Author's Note: Next chapter, you'll finally find out how Penny gets what she needs from Leonard. So once again it will be a Rated M one. Also, there will be some sweet SHAMY stuff coming up in it too. Thanks for reading. **


	7. Chapter 7

**Rated M for Some Sexual Content**

**Chapter 7: The Mrs. Butterworth Method **

While Penny helps poor sick Leonard in the bathroom, Amy suddenly wakes up terrified by her night terrors and because of a strange alcohol induced bad dream. She goes to the bathroom first to void her bladder then Amy knocks on Sheldon's door in the middle of the night. She knocks on the door again, but he is fast asleep so he doesn't answer it. Amy quietly opens his door and sees Sheldon sleeping like he always does in middle of the bed on his back muttering nonsense in his sleep.

Sheldon: "No Pop Pop, don't leave! Me maw just made cookies."

Amy walks over and sits on the edge of his bed. She runs her hand over his hair and tries to whisper in his ear to wake him up.

Amy: "Sheldon…Sheldon….wake up please."

Sheldon: "I want a cookie, Me maw. Give Pop Pop a cookie too."

Sheldon reaches out his hand to grab a cookie from his grandmother, but he accidentally grabs hold of Amy's chest instead. She screams when Sheldon leans in to eat her boob which finally wakes him up. He screams out loudly too totally in shock that someone is in his room. Amy stands up panting hard and holds her chest while Sheldon reaches over and turns on the lamp by the side of his bed.

Sheldon: "AMY?! For crying out loud you scared me! What are you doing in my room?"

Amy: "I…I don't feel well. My head hurts and I had a bad dream."

Sheldon: "Well I was having a good one until you showed up."

Amy frowns sadly and pouts her lip at him. She just wants him to comfort her and not be so mean. He sighs as he calms down and rubs the sleep from his tired eyes.

Sheldon: "Do you want me to make some tea?"

She shakes her head at him and sits back down on the bed.

Amy: "Can you just hold me? Hold me till I fall asleep."

Sheldon: "Amy...I…I...don't know. I mean it's really late and people don't just come in my room."

Amy: "Please."

She says please so softly and with such a sad face that Sheldon can't help, but to feel sympathy for her.

Sheldon stops complaining and politely nods his head. He pulls back the covers for her so she can get in bed with him. Amy smiles happy he is willing to do this for her. She lies down beside him in the bed and he awkwardly scoots over to give her more room. Then he puts his comforter back over them both.

Sheldon: "Now what?"

Amy: "Just put your arms around me. Hold me. You can tell another bedtime story if you'd like."

Sheldon gulps feeling a bit nervous to have her in his bed like this for the first time. He quietly wraps his arms around her slight hunched shoulder and lies sideways spooning her from behind like any loving boyfriend would.

Sheldon: "Alright, um let's see okay… well my mother used to tell me lots of bedtime stories when I was a child. I still remember all of them, but the best one she ever told me was about a princess and a monkey."

Amy: "Okay yeah that sounds pretty good. Tell that one."

She repositions her head on his pillow to get more comfortable. Then Amy closes her eyes.

Sheldon: "Well Once Upon a Time, there was this princess named Princess Panchali and it was said about her that she had eyes like lotus-petals. Faultless features endued with youth and intelligence. She was extremely beautiful with a slender-waist and her body emitted a sweet fragrance of lavender and blue lotus blossoms."

Amy smiles as she pictures herself as this princess wearing the tiara he gave to her.

Amy: "Mmm...hmmm… I like it so far...go on."

Sheldon: "Uh…so Princess Panchali was walking in forest one day when she came across a monkey who was crying all alone by himself."

Amy frowns sadly when she hears this part of the story and opens her eyes again.

Amy: "Ah...why was he crying?"

Sheldon: "He had been shunned by all the other monkeys because he was different and smarter than all of them combined, but they were too stupid to know that's why they hated him."

Amy: "So what did the princess do then?"

Sheldon: "She asked the monkey why he was crying and he told her. Princess Panchali felt sympathy for him so she sat down beside him under a big tree and fed him her lunch. The monkey could hardly believe someone as brilliant and beautiful as this royal princess was being so kind to him so he did what any monkey would do."

Amy: "Beat his chest, stuck his hindquarters in her face and masturbated until she became aroused?"

Sheldon: "Huh? NO!"

She tries to stop herself from giggling over it because she knows that is what real monkeys do in the wild when they get happy. But, Sheldon just continues on with his story.

Sheldon: "He told her that he wouldn't rest until he brought her the finest flower to match her beauty."

Amy smiles again as she closes her eyes again loving this story more and more.

Sheldon: "After that, the monkey searched high and low travelling for miles and miles all over India looking for the perfect Lotus blossom to give to the princess. But, while he was away the princess was kidnapped by an evil Indian priest. The priest tried to force himself on the princess and ties her up."

Amy: "Oh no that's horrible. What did she do?"

Sheldon: "She prayed for help and then Krishna appears to give her hope and a mighty battle was fought in her honor as all the men of her kingdom came to her rescue. Princess Panchali was rescued and the priest was enslaved for his crimes."

Amy: "Did she ever see the monkey again?"

Sheldon nods his head and smiles as he reminisces about it.

Sheldon: "Yes. At the end of the story her monkey friend finally returns with the perfect flower for Princess Panchali."

Amy: "Does he kiss her then?"

Sheldon frowns up his face at her question.

Sheldon: "Of course not! He's a monkey."

Amy: "Oh."

Sheldon: "Instead she sings him a lullaby and the princess lets him live in her garden which as it turns out is full of thousands of perfect lotus blossoms."

Amy giggles at the ending of Sheldon's story then she yawns.

Amy: "I think I know how the lullaby goes."

Sheldon: "Really?"

She nods her head and flips over to face Sheldon in bed. Sheldon stares curiously into Amy's eyes and she takes his hand lifting his arm up so it wraps around her small waist. Amy whispers into his ear and begins to sing a brand new lullaby she just made up.

"Soft… monkey, Warm monkey…. Little ball of fur, Happy monkey, Sleepy monkey….I… Love… You."

Amy closes her eyes and falls right to sleep after singing her little lullaby to him. This isn't the first time that she has told Sheldon she loves him, but it is the first time Sheldon actually understands exactly what she means by it.

He feels his body tingle with warmth and happiness as he looks at his drunk, sleeping girlfriend lying in his arms. Even though Sheldon knows that all she really did was take his favorite sick song and turn it into a silly monkey lullaby he feels that Amy's version is the best one he's ever heard. He silently leans in and kisses her goodnight on the cheek. Sheldon turns on his back again ready to go back to sleep and doesn't even protest when Amy repositions herself so that her head is resting on his chest like he's a pillow. Sheldon closes his eyes and returns back to his own dreamland. Only in his new dream Amy is the one giving him some of her delicious homemade cookies instead of his Me maw.

* * *

After spending half the night vomiting up his breakfast, lunch and dinner Leonard passes out on Penny's bed. Penny washes all the whip cream off her body in the shower then she lies in bed trying to figure out what to do about getting Leonard's sperm now. She's afraid he'll be too hung over in morning to want to try again and even considers manually stimulated him herself while he is sleeping. But, Leonard has fallen asleep on his stomach so Penny decides to get some Zs then try again tomorrow night. When Penny wakes up the next morning Leonard is bringing her breakfast in bed.

Leonard: "Hey there, look what's cooking good looking."

Penny sits up in bed as Leonard puts a food tray full of pancakes, cereal and diced bananas over her lap. She yawns then looks over at the clock surprised to see how early in the morning he is waking her up.

Penny: "You're up already? But it's like 8am. Aren't you hung over?"

Leonard: "I was. But, I pretty much got it all out of my system last night… Sorry about your sink. I took some of those pain pills you had in your medicine cabinet when I woke up. Ever since then I've felt great!"

Penny: "Wow, oh okay. Well thanks for the food."

Leonard: "Sure thing pretty lady. And, don't worry I already scrubbed out the sink, washed all the dishes and ran the vacuüm."

Penny: "Jeez, Leonard you're like a little perky Keebler Elf in morning aren't you?"

Leonard: "Well when you wake up next to the most beautiful girl in the whole world and she's naked that's the start of a good day."

Penny smiles at him as she takes a small piece of banana out of her cereal bowl and eats it.

Leonard: "Oh and don't let me forget. I brought you this too."

He pulls out a test tube full of his own sperm and grins at her like he's known all along what she wanted.

Penny: "What the…you did it already?"

Leonard: "Yeah, well since you broke my other sample I figured you'd want this one."

Penny: "WHAT? Uh but…but…how did you find out?"

He points his thumb at the door and glances over his shoulder.

Leonard: "Sheldon came over this morning to help me clean up and sort of spill the beans. You know he can't really keep a secret from me Penny."

Penny: "Damn it! I'm going kill him. We had a deal."

Leonard: "Sheldon told me why he wanted to steal his own sperm back, but why didn't you just tell me last night? I've known Dr. Grauman for years and we've worked together on a few projects before. If you'd just told me what happened I could have called him up and gotten this back in the lab no problem. He knows Sheldon is kooky and does weird stuff like this all the time, hell everyone pretty much knows."

Penny sighs, feeling like a complete fool for going through so much trouble and worrying for nothing.

Penny: "I'm sorry Leonard. I feel like an idiot. I didn't want you to find out because…well because I'm not sure I want kids."

Leonard: "Oh.

He sighs sadly for a moment then he tries to be supportive.

Leonard: "That's okay Penny I just want to be with you. I don't need kids."

Penny: "No, it's not okay. I don't know if I want kids, but I do know that I don't want some other girl having your baby. I shouldn't care, but I do. And that isn't fair to you. I know you want kids someday, smart and beautiful ones. I'm just not ready."

Leonard: "Hey, look its fine. I didn't mean to put so much pressure on you about having kids. I know you're not ready for that. Hell, I'm not even ready; I've still got Sheldon to raise."

Penny laughs at that and nods her head at him.

Penny: "Yeah that's true. He does need a lot of looking after."

Leonard: "And I'm sorry I tricked you before. I know you don't really want to spend the whole week with him. I just really could use a break from him every once and awhile."

Penny looks at Leonard's face and realizes that beneath that perky morning attitude he does still look pretty tired and worn out. She feels sorry for him.

Penny: "Oh I get that. So you know what the deal's still on."

Leonard: "Really?"

Penny: "Yep! I owe you one for breaking your sample. Just do me a favor Leonard. Don't give this back to those doctors for their experiment. We may not be ready for kids, but there's no reason we can't practice making some. What do you say Papi?"

He grins at that already feeling excited to have sex with her again.

Leonard: "I say…. ¡Ay, caramba! Muy bueno!"

Leonard leans in and kisses Penny deeply on the mouth. Then he picks up her breakfast tray and puts it aside on her night stand so that he can get on top of her. He takes off his glasses then Leonard picks up the syrup bottle he brought in for her pancakes and drips some Mrs. Butterworth into Penny's open mouth.

Penny: "Mmmmm…tastes so good. I want more!

Leonard dribbles some more syrup on the corners of Penny's mouth so she has to stick her tongue out to lick it off. He really enjoys this part of their lovemaking because Leonard considers himself the King of Foreplay. He kisses her mouth to taste her sweet lips once again.

Penny: "Yum….More!"

He gives her one last taste of the syrup then he slowly pulls back the covers so he can see her perky breasts. He pours syrup on both of her nipples and sucks it off while kissing her chest. Penny moans delighted by the feel of it. He kisses her boobs again and again until she puts her hands on his shoulders desiring for him to go lower and kiss her nether regions next. He drips a little syrup "_Down There"_ to make it taste even sweeter.

Leonard smiles and quickly takes a deep breath so that he can give her the best oral pleasure. He considers giving head his specialty because he can do it for a really long time and Leonard will do just about anything to please his girl. Penny loves how generous Lenny is in the sack; sometimes he's even too nice to her. She moans out loud with every other stroke and lick he applies to her clitoris and Leonard appreciates the positive feedback very much.

Penny: "Ooooo…Leonard….yes…right there."

He dips his tongue even further into her while wrapping his fingers around her inner thighs.

Penny: "Oh God….so close! Don't stop!"

He continues pleasuring her with his mouth for a very long time until Penny comes very loudly twice. Next, they finally make sweet syrupy messy love before heading into her shower to clean off. Then the two love birds go at it again in the shower. This time Leonard and Penny enjoy the sex so much that they both end up squirting out some goofy juice.

**Author's Reading: Once again thanks for reading and thanks for all your comments on this story. I love reading your feedback just as much as I love writing it. Next up, get ready for another classic Lucy like adventure as TBBT gang tries to make special plans for Saturday night that go awry. **

**The guys want to stay in for the evening and watch a nerdy science documentary, but the girls want the guys to take them out to a sexy new nightclub for a special celebration instead. So who will win this BATTLE OF THE SEXES? Stay tuned to find out….**


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8: The Swordfish Hammerhead Controversy**

Around noon on Saturday, Howard and Rajesh stop by Sheldon and Leonard's apartment with some fun plans for the evening. Howard has on a blue shark belt buckle and Rajesh is wearing a big foam rubber fish glove over his left hand. They walk straight in the door because for some silly reason Sheldon and Leonard still leave their door unlocked all the damn time even though they've been robbed before.

Howard: "Clear your schedule Sheldon, tonight on the Discovery Channel the _SHARK WEEK_ marathon begins!"

Rajesh: "Yeah, dude word on the street is they're finally going to show eighty seconds of footage that can clear up the swordfish vs. hammerhead shark controversy of 'O8. Can you believe it? I mean a swordfish that's bigger than a shark! How crazy is that!?"

Howard: "I know right? I'm so TEAM HAMMERHEAD!"

Sheldon: "Oh darn it! That does sound like fun. And, as much as I would LOVE watching a documentary marathon on fish you can do carpentry with, I'm afraid I must decline."

Howard: "WHAT!? Why?"

Sheldon: "I promised Amy that I'd go with her to this new nightclub she wants to go to tonight."

Rajesh: "Seriously? You at a nightclub on a Saturday night? But, Saturday Night is Laundry night! I don't understand is she blackmailing you? "

Sheldon: "No. She says it'll be fun and it is her birthday. Apparently, this new club has some sort of a country western theme to it and Amy wants to learn more about my roots."

Howard: "But, dude this is Deep Sea Diving we're talking about! It's like space underwater you can't get better than that."

Sheldon sighs sadly as he pulls out laundry detergent from his cabinet so that he can do his laundry before he has to go to this nightclub with Amy and the girls.

Sheldon: "Sorry, my hands are tied…it's in the relationship agreement that on Amy's birthday I have to spend time with her."

Rajesh: "Well then why don't we all go out to nightclub tonight. See how the other half lives. Mingle a bit….could be fun."

Howard: "Dude, I'm married now. My nightclub mingling days are over. This bronco's been saddled."

Sheldon: "Actually, Amy invited Bernadette and Penny to come with us."

Howard: "What!? Bernie didn't tell me that! Damn it! She always does this to me, making plans without even telling me first and then just expecting me to go along with it. I don't want to go to some cheesy old night club tonight. I want watch sharks eat fish like God intended!"

Howard scoffs and shakes his head irritated that once again his wife is controlling his life. It all reminds him way too much of how his mother treats him, which both sickens Howard and turns him on just a little bit.

Sheldon: "Well I told Leonard about the club this morning after we cleaned up Penny's apartment. He didn't sound that interested in going either, but that was probably because he was too busy masturbating into a test tube at the time."

Raj wrinkles his nose grossed out and confused by what Sheldon just told them about Leonard. But, Howard is too upset right now to even pay attention to Sheldon's disturbing comment.

Howard: "You know these women think they can just run all over us, don't they? I mean like last night, first Bernie messes up our account spending way too much money on her hair then she wants to switch jobs with me and work at my lab while I work at hers. It's insane what I have to put up with."

Sheldon: "Yes, I know. Penny is foolishly doing the same thing with Leonard. I told Amy "NO" because the last time I went to work in her lab didn't go well. I'd rather go to Disneyland then be a biologist again. Biologists are mean. It's all for the best, Amy would just touch all my things again, marking her territory if I left her alone in my office. She thinks I don't know what she's been doing in there, but I can smell her scent all over the place. Now it's in my bed sheets too.

He frowns as he stuffs his Spiderman bed sheets into a laundry hamper.

Sheldon: "Even worst, I'm being forced to move up laundry night to pre-evening so I can wash everything before we leave for the club."

Rajesh: "Wait a second! Amy went in your room without permission?"

Sheldon: "Yes. She and Leonard stayed up late drinking last night. Then she had a bad dream so she came in my room in middle of the night to sleep."

Howard: "So where did you sleep? Let me guess, on the couch right?"

Sheldon: "No. I slept in my bed."

Rajesh and Howard both look at each other in total shock then they look at Sheldon again. Rajesh whispers into Howard's ear so that Sheldon cannot hear what he is saying to Howard about him.

Howard: "Hmmm no…wait for it…. there's probably a BAZINGA coming up next."

Sheldon: "No BAZINGA… I'm serious."

Rajesh: "SHUT YOUR SKINNY WHITE ASS…NO WAY!"

Sheldon frowns at Rajesh for cursing then he continues walking towards his front door headed for the basement to wash his clothes, sheets and towels.

Rajesh: "You can't leave now! Give us the skinny; the 411…did you two…DO IT!? Did she bite you? She seems like a Biter. That is so sexy!"

Sheldon: "She didn't bite me! We just cuddled and slept together."

Howard: "So no sex then?"

Sheldon: "Of course not! She was scared and hung-over. I just told her a bedtime story so she could fall asleep. I kissed her once, but that was it."

Rajesh: "That is so sweet Sheldon! You know sometimes to save hot water Stuart and I shower together, but I wish he would tell me bedtime stories like that to help me fall asleep."

Howard glances over at Rajesh with a disturbed "that is the gayest thing I've ever heard" look on his face.

Rajesh: "Lately, he's been so depressed. Things at the store have not been going well this year, but he was really looking forward to watching SHARK WEEK with us tonight."

Sheldon: "Well, I'd much rather stay home and watch it with you guys too. It sounds way better than going OUTSIDE again."

Howard: "I know it's her birthday, but can't you just buy Amy a present or something? Let the gals have their girls' night and hang here with us instead."

Sheldon: "Oh how I wish I could, but the last time I bailed on her she made a scene. I don't like scenes."

He sighs sadly feeling sorry for himself and that's when Howard decides enough is enough. He's not going to let Bernadette, Penny or Amy win this time…oh no not this time.

Howard: "Hey, Sheldon. Go get your new make-up kit. I've got an idea!"

Raj and Sheldon both look at Howard wondering what he's up to now.

* * *

Howard comes up with a stupid plan to use Sheldon's new Comic Con make-up to make it look like they've got terrible ear and eye infections. If they look sick then he knows the girls won't make them go to the club tonight.

After Sheldon gets his make-up kit from his room, Howard pulls up a nasty looking ear infection picture off of the internet. Raj starts doing their make-up for them. He makes Sheldon's left ear look like it has yellow green puss coming out of it and then he gives Howard fake pink eye. When Rajesh finishes blending their make-up in he hands them mirrors so they can see his work. Howard smiles when he looks into the mirror and sees how gross and sickly his eye looks now.

Howard: "Great job Raj! It looks real."

Raj grins as he takes the mirror back from Howard.

Raj: "Thanks, you know if I hadn't become an astrophysicist and if the party planning business I wanted to start didn't work out then I would've been a make-up artist."

Howard scoffs at his comment.

Howard: "Yeah, okay Raj."

Sheldon: "Hmmm…I don't know. The make-up is good. But, do you guys really think this will work? Amy and I have in our agreement that we have to take care of each other when either of us is sick. If she sees that my ear is infected then she's going to feel obligated to stay here and take care of me."

Howard: "Yeah, but see here's the super genius of my plan. It's her birthday so you'll look all noble and sweet telling her to go out and have fun with the girls instead of staying here to take care of you. She'll love you even more for it and we'll get to watch the marathon without them bothering us. I'll tell Bernadette we've got Raj and Stuart here to look after us and she we'll tell Amy. Now go get Leonard, he has to look sick too. Raj make it look like he is coming down with a cold or flu."

Raj nods at Howard and pulls out some more of Sheldon's new make-up. Sheldon sighs still feeling a bit uneasy about lying to Amy, but then he remembers that she once tricked him into believing that she was sick so he would take care of her longer. He decides that if she can do it, then so can he. Besides, he figures he can get by on a technicality since Howard will be the one lying for him this time.

He gets up and goes across the hall to get Leonard. Sheldon knocks on Penny's door.

Sheldon: "PENNY!"

He knocks on her door again.

Sheldon: "PENNY!"

Before knocking for the third and final time he remembers that he is supposed to sound sick right now so he changes the tone of his voice to sound like he has a sore throat and then he knocks on the door again.

Sheldon:_"Penny!"_

But, Penny decides not to answer the door this time. She is still mad at him for breaking their deal and telling Leonard about their little sperm misadventure.

Penny: "Go away Sheldon!"

Sheldon: "But, I need to speak to Leonard."

Penny: "Why? So you can tell on me again!"

He frowns at her door and then Sheldon sighs.

Sheldon: "I'm sorry Penny. I had to tell him something. You needed his sperm back."

Since he apologizes, she finally opens the door, but only so he can see how mad she is at him.

Penny: "Yeah well it turns out I….OH MY GOD! What happened to your ear!?"

Sheldon: "Oh uh yeah it looks bad huh? I told you what can happen if butter gets stuck in the ear canal."

Penny finally opens her door all the way so she can take a better look at his infected ear. She starts to worry about him like she's his mother.

Penny: "Do you need a ride to the hospital?"

Sheldon: "Uh no. I just need to talk to Leonard. Did you get his sperm?"

Penny: "I don't need it anymore. Leonard and I decided to hold off on kids and he's not going to participate in the experiment either so just forget about it. We're good."

Sheldon: "But, I don't forget. I have an eidetic memory."

Penny rolls her eyes then she goes back inside of her apartment and shuts the door so he won't follow her in. Sheldon frowns at the door confused by her rude behavior. But, then Leonard walks out of her apartment next to see what is wrong with him now.

Leonard: "Okay…what is it Sheldon? HOLY CRAP YOUR EAR!"

Sheldon pulls Leonard by the arm away from Penny's door so she won't be able to overhear what he is about to say. Leonard grimaces at the hideousness of the puss dripping out of Sheldon's ear.

* * *

Sheldon: "Tonight is the beginning of SHARK WEEK."

Leonard: "Yeah so?"

Sheldon: "So, I don't want to go to a club tonight. I want to stay home and root for TEAM SWORDFISH."

Leonard: "Well you can't go anywhere looking like that, except to the doctor's office! Let me get my keys."

Sheldon: "Oh no, I'm fine. It's fake. Raj did it."

Leonard: "Why?"

Sheldon: "I just told you. We're going to stay home and watch the marathon. He can do your make-up too and this way the girls will go to their boring ol'club without us."

Leonard sighs knowing that something really stupid must be in the works now.

Leonard: "Sheldon, if you don't want to go to a club tonight, just tell Amy the truth. You're a terrible liar. She's going to find out you're not sick."

Sheldon: "No, see not this time. Howard's going to lie for me so I don't have to. He's a good liar."

Leonard: "But, I don't want to lie to Penny. We're in a good place right now and I'm like "this close" to getting her to put on a Lt. Uhura uniform for me in the bedroom."

Sheldon frowns with disapproval of what Leonard considers a good time in the bedroom.

Sheldon: "Why must you sully the wonderment of Star Trek with deviant sexual behavior like that?"

Leonard: "Look you guys can do whatever you want, but leave me out of this time okay."

Sheldon pouts like a two year old. He can't believe his best friend is refusing to help them with their brilliant new scheme.

Sheldon: "But…but, you're my little buddy. You always help me with stuff like this."

Leonard: "Yeah, well this week I'm on vacation! Penny's in charge so you two have fun and be nice."

Leonard gives him one last stern fatherly look then he walks away from Sheldon. He heads down the stairs to go get Penny's mail for her. However, Sheldon follows Leonard still complaining and begging him to participate in their plan to trick the girls into believing they are all ill.

Sheldon: "When's the last time I asked you do something this important for me?!"

Leonard: "YOU ALWAYS ASKED ME DO EVERYTHING!"

Sheldon: "Yeah…well, when's the last time I asked you to fake being sick for me?!"

Leonard sighs with frustration then he keeps walking down stairs trying to get away from him.

Sheldon: "Okay fine, I'll let you adjust the thermostat up two degrees, but only when I'm not home…and only for SHARK WEEK since your on vacation."

Leonard: "Look, Sheldon just go with Amy to the club tonight. It's her birthday! She's your girlfriend!"

Sheldon: "But, I hated all my birthday parties growing up. I don't want be reminded of that. She's going make me dress up like a cowboy and line dance with her. I hate dancing Leonard! I HATE IT!"

Leonard: "Then I don't know. Give Amy something special and maybe she won't make you go with her."

Sheldon: "Like what? I already gave her Star Trek DVDs, what's more special than that?"

Leonard pats Sheldon's shoulder right after taking mail out of Penny's box.

Leonard: "I'm sure you'll think of something. Now if you'll excuse me I've got a sexy blonde bombshell waiting for me upstairs and lots more sperm to donate."

He walks away leaving Sheldon alone to think about what he can buy for Amy's birthday that will be special enough so that she won't get mad at him for not coming to the club. Sheldon tries to think of something good, but his idea of what is special isn't exactly Amy's taste. He says out loud to himself the only thing he can think to get for her that is special enough for her birthday.

Sheldon:** "**Maybe Best Buy has Battlestar Gallatica on sale right now."

Sheldon heads back up the stairs to his apartment to go check online. As he walks up the stairs a pregnant neighbor lady from apartment 6B is coming down the stairs and she sees his gross ear infection. Sheldon waves politely as he passes her on the stairs.

Sheldon: "Hello there, Mrs. Peidamyer!"

Mrs. Peidamyer puts her hand up to her face gagging with disgust as she leaves. The poor woman barely manages to get down the stairs without throwing up due to her morning sickness and how ugly his infection appears. Sheldon barely notices when she runs away from him as if he is some sort of creepy zombie.

**Author's Note: Stay tuned to see what Sheldon ultimately does end up purchasing Amy for her birthday and no it won't be any more DVDS. ;)**


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9: The Whipped Reaction **

Sheldon reenters his apartment. He tells Raj and Howard that Leonard doesn't want to be part of the plan.

Next, Sheldon goes to his work desk and starts looking on the internet trying to find the right birthday gift for Amy. However, Howard distracts Sheldon from finding a good present by complaining about Leonard's unwillingness to help them.

Howard: "So he's siding with the women over us!? WHAT A PUSSY!"

Rajesh: "I thought a pussy was a cat? How does Leonard choosing Penny over us make him a cat?"

Howard: "No, pussy means whipped."

Rajesh: "WHAT!? Leonard beat a defenseless pussycat? Thats despicable!"

Howard rolls his eyes and then he shakes his head.

Howard: NO! That's not what I…Look I'll explain it to you later Raj. We've got a real problem here. We don't need the girls telling us what to do and when all the time."

Rajesh: "Uh okay. So um… what do…we do about it?"

Howard: "We need to stick together here; otherwise these women are never going to back off! They'll run our lives forever man and this is how it starts. I've already got my mother for that! HOWARD, DON'T LEAVE YOUR UNDERWEAR ON THE FLOOR! HOWARD, DON'T DRINK MILK OUT OF THE CARTON…HOWARD, DOES THIS OUTFIT MAKE ME LOOK FAT!?"

Rajesh giggles loudly at Howard's dead on impression of his mother.

Rajesh: "Ha Ha! Good one, you sound just like your mom."

Howard frowns at his friend.

Howard: "Dude, that wasn't my mom… that was Bernadette."

Suddenly, Rajesh stops smiling when he pictures Bernadette turning into Howard's mom someday the image of it freaks him out quite a lot. Sheldon frowns too when he hears Howard's impression, but for an entirely different reason.

Sheldon: "Howard, you leave your underwear on the floor and drink milk out of the carton?

Howard: Yeah so?

Sheldon grimaces in disgust at the thought of it. He would never let Leonard do that.

Sheldon: "That is just…WRONG!"

Howard scoffs knowing that he can be worse than Bernadette and his mom combined when it comes to being super bossy and annoying. He rolls his eyes at Sheldon.

Howard: "Hey, you've had it easy up until now with Amy, but just you wait. That's how they hook you. She plays along with all your quirks and relationship agreement rules so you won't see it coming. You remember what it was like living with your mom before you moved out here to Pasadena don't you Sheldon?"

Sheldon: "Of course I remember. She wouldn't even let me watch television unless it was the 700 Club with Pat Robertson or another repeat of the Ten Commandments movie."

Howard: "Yeah exactly, well now that you're in a real relationship Amy's going to start making all kind of demands. I'm married so I've got put up with it, but you and Leonard still got a chance here. Don't give up! You can still can take a stand and now's the time men…now is…THE TIME!"

Rajesh: "Hey is being a pussy like being in one of those sexy cowboys groups that ride into town?"

Howard: "No! That's a posse."

Rajesh: "Awww…too bad. I'd want be one of those pussies."

Howard: "POSSES!"

Howard rolls his eyes again then he starts walking towards the door. He goes across the hall to speak to Leonard himself about breaking up their landing party over a girl. After Howard leaves Rajesh goes to refrigerator to get a bottle of water while Sheldon goes back to trying to find a present for Amy before it's too late.

Sheldon: "Raj, what do you think I should get Amy for her birthday present? Do you think I should get Battlestar Galactica on DVD or Firefly?"

Raj finishes sipping his water bottle then he shakes his head at Sheldon.

Rajesh: "Sheldon, that's not what she wants. She wants you to woo her; Amy wants something romantic and beautiful from you for her birthday. You know like...like a UNICORN!"

Sheldon frowns up his face at that silly suggestion, but then he thinks about it a little.

Sheldon: "Well gee whiz, where am I supposed to find a unicorn on such short notice?"

Raj shrugs his shoulders as he sits back down on a chair in the living room.

Rajesh: "I don't know, but if you find one I want a ride."

Sheldon turns back towards his computer thinking about the possibilities for a moment then he starts typing again.

Sheldon: "Unicorns…unicorns…come on Craig's List."

* * *

Meanwhile, across the hall Howard bangs on Penny's door. She opens the door chewing gum like a cow and wearing an ugly old lavender bathrobe. Her hair is up in a messy bun and she has white moisturizing cream all over her face. Her hideous appearance reminds Howard of the way his mother looks in the mornings sometimes which only annoys him more.

Penny: "What do you want?"

Howard scoffs at how rude she sounds, especially when it's so obvious that he is sick with pink eye.

Howard: "I'm fine, thanks for asking. I need to speak to Leonard."

Penny: "Well he's busy right now. He's fixing my printer. It's on the fritz again."

Howard: "Of course he is…well this will only take a minute."

Penny sighs a little annoyed because she knows if Leonard gets too distracted then he won't finish fixing her printer, but then she goes back inside to get Leonard for him. He comes out of her apartment with a wet washcloth still trying to wipe printer ink off his fingers.

Leonard: "What is it Howard? I'm a little busy here."

Howard: "Yeah, you are….busy being whipped like my ancestors!"

He pulls out his phone and presses the whipped app on it again to make his point even more redundantly clear. Leonard scowls then he closes the door to Penny's apartment so she won't hear them.

Leonard: "Dude, what is your problem? I'm just helping out my girlfriend…it's what good guys do."

Howard: "Well you're also supposed to be the Captain of are landing party! Tonight its swordfishes vs. hammerheads you can't miss that!"

Leonard rolls his eyes and frowns at him.

Leonard: "Howard…you being ridiculous. We can just tape it and watch it later. This plan of yours is SO not going to work. Just come to the club, it'll be fun."

Howard: "Fun for THEM…maybe! While we sit around holding their purses they'll be drinking and getting hit on by guys bigger than us…MUCH BIGGER. Sheldon tells me it's a country western club, dude! Do you really want to be there while Penny is SIZING UP the alternatives to you and watching her dance with other guys all night? You know the girls won't dance with us in public anymore after what happened LAST TIME!"

Leonard sighs sadly. He is starting to see Howard's point, but he still doesn't want to disappoint Penny.

Howard: "Besides, isn't the whole point of having a longtime girlfriend then getting married is so we can settle down and stop having to TRY SO HARD! She should be cooking you dinner and staying at home to do your laundry instead you've got Sheldon doing it. How lame is that?"

Leonard: "Hey! Sheldon actually likes doing the laundry. He puts in just the right amount of softener so my clothes don't wrinkle and he actually separates out the colors from the whites so my clothes don't fade. Penny isn't really the domestic type you know that. She likes to go out it's not a big deal."

Howard: "Well we don't want to go! Every time we go outside and mingle with strangers something BAD happens to us! And, do you really want to miss playing secret laser obstacle GIANT JENGA?"

Leonard smiles in excitement when he hears about this intriguing new version of one of his favorite games.

Leonard: "Aw…man really you got THE GAME!?"

Howard grins glad to finally see Leonard getting excited about staying home.

Howard: "Yep! Stuart told Raj it just came in. He's bringing it over tonight. You've got to be there. Come on man up!"

Leonard: "But…but I don't know Howard…if I don't go to the club tonight Penny will get upset. I already told her I'd come. And, this morning we had sex….TWICE! Come, on you know the real point of having a longtime girlfriend is for the LONG TIME SEX! I only do stuff like this for Penny; just to get some you know that."

Howard smiles at that remark agreeing with him, but also because he sees Penny standing behind Leonard with her arms folded looking very upset to hear what he just said.

Penny: "OH REALLY?!"

Leonard hears her voice and without even turning around he knows he's in BIG TROUBLE NOW! He doesn't even want to turn around to face her after what he just said, but Leonard knows he doesn't really have a choice either. Howard backs up just a little bit in anticipation, but he stays in the hallway so he can hear his friend getting chewed out by his girlfriend.

Leonard blinks his eyes as he turns to look at Penny. He puts on a fake, innocent looking smile praying she won't get too mad.

Penny: "SO I'M JUST WHAT LIKE A SEX TOY TO YOU!? IS THAT IT, LEONARD?

Almost as if they have radar both Sheldon and Rajesh rush to the door when they hear Penny yelling at Leonard because they find it amusing to watch them fight just as much as Howard does. They stand in the doorway watching and waiting to see how long it'll take for Leonard to say something to make it much worse like he always does.

Leonard: "I didn't mean it like that. I'm sorry! What I meant was I don't think I can go out with you tonight."

Penny puts her hands on her hips and glares at him.

Penny: "Oh so now you don't want to come with me tonight?"

Leonard: "Well…no…I mean I love spending time with you Penny…it's just clubbing isn't really my thing. Uh...and….and uh…the guys are SICK! So they uh… need me to stay here and take care of them… right guys?"

Sheldon, Rajesh and Howard all nod in agreement with Leonard pretending they need him to stay to take care of them. Then the three of them start to fake cough very loudly so that they sound even sicker hoping Penny will buy it, but really they just sound stupid and fake. Penny rolls her eyes at all of them for being such jerks, but she is especially disappointed in Leonard for treating her this way.

Penny: "FINE! If that is how you feel Leonard. Then don't come!"

She goes back inside of her apartment and slams the door really hard. Leonard closes his eyes and frowns up his face feeling like a total idiot for pissing her off again. Sheldon shakes his head as he stares at Penny's door.

Sheldon: "I'm telling you…that girl needs medication; her menstruation cramps must be brutal."

Leonard: "Aww…man I am sooo… attached to another object by an inclined plane, wrapped helically around an axis!"

Rajesh: "You got screwed!? Lucky you!"

Howard: "Yeah, look on the bright side Leonard! At least you already got laid twice today. Now let's go play!"

He smiles glad that Leonard is now free to hang with them tonight. But, Leonard turns back towards his friends and glares at them for getting him in trouble with Penny. Then he quickly walks back into his apartment goes to his bedroom to sulk. Howard and Rajesh decide to make a quick run to the store to get snacks for the marathon. So Sheldon naively decides to knock on Penny's door again to ask for her help.

"PENNY!"

"PENNY!"

"PENNY!"

She opens the door extremely frustrated. Penny can't believe he even has the nerve to come talk to her right now after what just happened.

Penny: "WHAT! WHAT! WHAT!?"

Sheldon: "I need you to take me to the mall. Its Amy's birthday and I have to buy her a present. Leonard is too upset to drive right now and since you are taking over his duties for the week anyway it's your responsibility to drive me around."

Penny sighs totally annoyed with him, but she still assumes that Sheldon's ear infection is a real one.

Penny: "Sheldon, you can't go shopping while you're sick. You should go lie down."

Sheldon: "Oh yeah…you're right…uh well here."

He pulls out his wallet then Sheldon hands Penny fifty bucks.

Sheldon: "Get her something romantic and beautiful for me like a unicorn or even more romantic a notary stamp with a unicorn."

She stares at him thinking that is a stupid gift idea.

Penny: "Really…a unicorn?"

Sheldon: "No…LIKE…a unicorn. Not a real one. I checked Craig's List and those are too expensive. So just get whatever you think she would like the most oh and a card. Don't forget the card that's part of the gift. Tell her I'm sorry that I couldn't make it tonight."

She looks at Sheldon's fake ear infection one more time. Penny decides that she better go ahead and do this for him even though she is still mad at Leonard and that the guys are all going to miss out on Amy's birthday celebration.

Penny: "Fine. Just go lie down and maybe put some cream on that ear or something before it gets any worse."

Sheldon: "Thanks Penny. Oh and here's a dollar for your trouble."

He hands Penny one more extra dollar from his wallet for helping him out. She rolls her eyes at it, but still takes the money. Sheldon walks away from her door and goes back to his apartment so he can finish getting all the laundry done before the SHARK WEEK marathon starts.

Penny closes her door again and stands in her apartment smiling to herself. She realizes that this is the perfect opportunity to give Amy the best birthday gift she's ever had. Since Sheldon is too sick to come, Penny decides she will give Amy one of her vintage My Little Pony unicorns from her stuffed animal collection as her "fake" gift pretending like the toy came from Sheldon. Then she plans to use the money he just gave to her to buy Amy a lap dance from a sexy cowboy at the club as her REAL gift. Penny figures that it's the least she can do for her bestie for her birthday since she knows the chances of Amy getting laid by Sheldon anytime soon are pretty slim."

She goes to her bedroom to find the sexiest western wear outfit in her closet so that she can look extra hot tonight. She knows the better she looks the easier it will be to flirt with the bouncers, get into the club for free, get guys to buy her free drinks and get the hottest stripper to dance for them. Penny plans to make sure that this is a night her girl friends will never forget and she just hopes that the guys don't find out.

**Author's Note: Once again thanks for reading. **


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10: The ****Hofstadter Sensitivity Cycle **

Penny calls Bernadette to tell her that the guys are not coming. She tells Bernadette to come over and pick out something sexy from her closet to wear to the club tonight.

Penny: "Its Amy's birthday. We've got do something special for her."

Bernadette: "Yeah well, what do you have in mind?"

Penny: "You know my ex-boyfriend Zach, his father owns this club. It's the grand opening so he'll definitely be there tonight. Amy really liked him so I was thinking I might be able to convince him to dance with her since Sheldon won't be there. I don't want her to feel left out."

Bernadette: "Okay."

Penny: "And, I'm thinking about buying her a lap dance too. Do you want one too?"

Bernadette: "Seriously, a lap dance? I don't know Penny, do you really think that's appropriate? I mean I'm a married woman."

Penny: "SO!? You're not going to sleep with the guy, it's just for fun! Besides, we're still young Bernie and you only live once. Have you ever had a Dancer's Delight before?"

Bernadette: "No, I went to my cousin's bachelorette party once and there was a male stripper hired, but I was only seventeen at the time so she made me go in the kitchen during that part while I covered my eyes the whole time and sang Ave Maria."

Penny: "Oh its awesome... see first they blindfold you and make you wait in the middle of dance floor. Then one of the dancers at the club will come out and pull you in for a dance to your favorite song."

Bernadette: "Really, okay that sounds like fun."

Penny: "It is! And, the delightful part is by end of the song your hot dancer is totally naked and the blindfold comes off. So get ready because tonight we're all in for a real treat!"

Bernadette: "Alright, but Penny, Howard cannot find out about this okay. I don't want him to be jealous and we just had another huge fight about money again. I really shouldn't be spending any on lap dances."

Penny: "Don't worry, I've got you covered girl. The guys are spending the whole night in. Sheldon has a wicked ear infection and Howard's got pink eye again so Leonard's going take care of them."

Bernadette frowns, feeling worried for her husband now.

Bernadette: "Pink eye you say? Hmmm maybe I should bring them some drugs from my lab."

Penny: "Yeah I guess if you want to, but really its okay Leonard's got it covered. I'm not missing this. I'm supposed to spend the rest of the week babysitting Sheldon so I need to cut loose now while I still can. So do you sweetie. They won't even notice we're gone anyway just pick Amy up on your way here."

Bernadette: "Okay, I will. Thanks for doing this Penny. You always know how to have a good time. See you soon"

Bernadette smiles expecting this will be an extra fun night out for them and after working hard all week she definitely feels that she could use the break. She looks over towards her kitchen table at the present she just bought for Amy. Bernadette hangs up the phone with Penny and goes back to table to finishing wrapping it up.

Later, that pre-evening Leonard finally comes out of his room when Howard yells to tell him that Stuart is here. He is still a little upset about what happened early with Penny, but he perks up when he comes into the living room and sees Stuart setting up the Giant Jenga set. Howard and Rajesh have already filled up several bowls full of delicious munchies and placed beers on the table and one large Yoo-Hoo for Sheldon. Rajesh helps Howard set up the laser machine so they can play secret laser obstacle Giant Jenga.

Leonard: "Hey Stuart."

Stuart: "Hey."

Leonard: "So I screwed things up with Penny again."

Stuart barely looks up as he continues to stack Jenga blocks up properly. He is far too familiar with Leonard's love life problems and he really couldn't care less, but out of politeness he is willing to listen to Leonard bitch about it.

Stuart: "Yeah, what else is new?"

Leonard: "These idiots are pretending to be sick so we can stay home tonight and watch a bunch of sharks. Penny is going kill me when she finds out."

Howard: "Oh will you relax! They're not going to find out. After a few drinks they won't even notice we're not there."

Stuart nods in agreement with Howard because he knows exactly what it feels like to be ignored by drunk girls at a club.

Rajesh: "You know I looked up that club online and it seems pretty cool. It's got a mechanical bull and a mud wrestling pit and the menus are so cute. They are shaped like cowboy boots and hats."

Howard pauses for a moment thinking that the mud wrestling part does sound kind of cool, but then he shakes his head.

Howard: "Still its not cooler than lasers, sharks or GIANT JENGA!"

Stuart smiles as he places the last Jenga block on top of the stack.

Stuart: "Absolutely! Okay the game is ready…uh… where's Sheldon?"

Leonard: "Oh he's probably still in basement doing laundry. I'll go get him."

Leonard walks out of his apartment to get Sheldon, but as soon as he walks out of the door he sees Penny and Bernadette coming out of Penny's apartment wearing long coats. He realizes his timing couldn't be any worse but he quickly closes the door to his apartment before they can see the big game they've set up inside.

Leonard: "Hi, wow you girls look really nice."

He smiles politely hoping they won't start asking him too many questions. He is also hopes that Penny is not still super mad at him. But, Penny rolls her eyes at him. She doesn't even speak to Leonard.

Penny: "Come on Amy, let's go!"

Amy finally walks out of the apartment wearing a long camel colored suede cowgirl skirt and a long sleeved ranch hand red and white blouse with red cowboy boots and a red cowboy hat. Penny takes off her coat and hands it to Amy pretending like she needs to adjust her dress for a minute, but really it is just an excuse to show off how sexy she looks in it to Leonard. Penny has on a super short red leather mini dress with decorative western fringe framing her cleavage nicely. Leonard stares at her totally lusting after how hot she looks, but before he can even speak Amy verbalizes what he is thinking because she is thinking almost the same thing.

Amy: "DAMN! Penny, you're so smoking hot in that dress!"

Penny: "Oh what this? …Nah it's just something I threw together."

Amy: "Well if I had exquisite breasts like yours I'd never stop touching myself."

Penny tries hard to keep smiling though she isn't sure what the hell to even say in response to that."

Bernadette opens up her coat revealing that she is also wearing a pretty dress only hers is yellow, not nearly as revealing, but still pretty cute.

Bernadette: "What about me?"

Amy: "Don't be needy, Bernie."

Bernadette rolls her eyes at Amy while Amy grins at Penny again. She can't understand why Amy always thinks Penny is so much hotter than everyone else, but Bernadette decides to just ignore it.

Bernadette: "Leonard, I brought this ointment from my lab. Tell them to make sure not to swallow any of it. Volunteers reported severe anal leakage upon digesting it, but it works great for pink eye and ear infections."

She hands Leonard the tube full of ointment cream and smiles sweetly as he takes it from her.

Leonard: "Penny, you know if you really want me too I'll come with you. The guys can probably get along with me."

Penny: "No, Leonard you had your chance. Stay here and make sure Sheldon's ear doesn't swell up."

Leonard: "But…."

Penny puts her coat back on and then she grabs her keys out of the pocket and locks the door to her apartment.

Amy: "Where is Sheldon, I really should say goodnight before we go. I haven't seen him since this morning."

Leonard: "He's down in laundry room."

Sheldon: "No, I'm not. I'm right here."

Leonard turns his head and sees Sheldon walking up the stairs carrying a big white laundry basket full of their freshly cleaned clothes.

Amy: "Sheldon, oh my goodness you poor thing you're ear looks terrible."

She walks over to Sheldon looking very worried about him now. Then Amy turns towards Leonard again and frowns at him.

Amy: "Leonard! I can't believe you still have him doing laundry as sick as he is….what is the matter with you!?"

Leonard: "But…I didn't! I mean…."

Sheldon: "Its okay, Amy. Leonard was too busy feeling sorry for himself over upsetting Penny."

Leonard: "I was not!"

Penny: "Well maybe you should feel sorry."

Leonard: "I do. I mean I am sorry! It's just…uh I mean we're still dating right?"

Penny scoffs loudly and rolls her eyes at him instead of answering his question. She walks towards the stairs so Bernadette and Amy follow closely behind her.

Sheldon: "Wait. Amy, before you go it is customary for me to offer you the obligatory birthday greeting song."

Amy: "Oh Sheldon, that's sweet of you, but you don't have to sing Happy Birthday. I know you're not feeling well. You should go rest."

Sheldon: "Very well. As you wish. Just make sure to get my gift from Penny and I hope you like it."

Amy: "I'm sure I will. I'd ask for a birthday kiss, but since you're currently infected, I'll postpone it."

Sheldon: "Thank you. Good night Amy."

Amy: "Good night Sheldon."

Amy smiles one last time still wishing she could kiss her boyfriend goodbye one time on her birthday, but instead she just follows after Bernadette down the stairs.

Leonard: "Happy Birthday, Amy."

Amy stops at the landing and gives Leonard one last disapproving glance on Sheldon and Penny's behalf then she keeps walking down the stairs. Leonard sighs sadly as soon as girls leave wishing he hadn't disappointed them all. He doesn't understand how he always ends up being the one that gets in trouble while Sheldon seems to just get away with doing whatever the hell he wants to all the time.

Leonard: "Well this sucks!"

Sheldon goes inside their apartment and puts down the laundry basket on his work desk. Leonard follows him inside feeling sorry for himself again.

Sheldon: "Oh cheer up good buddy. Its, GIANT JENGA time!"

Leonard: "You know what; I'm not really in mood. I'm going to bed."

Sheldon: "But, Leonard we're a team! You can't leave now. You're team captain! GO TEAM SWORDFISH!"

Sheldon throws up his arms in excitement then he makes a fish shape with his hands expecting Leonard to pretend like he has a sword to cut the fish as part of their usual Team Swordfish style handshake.

Leonard: "Stuart's here just play with him. He can be Team captain this time."

Stuart stares at Sheldon nervously not sure if he's up to the task. Sheldon frowns at the both of them. He hates it when Leonard gets all broody and mopey.

Sheldon: "But…he's not been properly vetted for the job!"

Leonard: "It's not a big deal Sheldon. You can take over for me can't you Stuart?"

Stuart: "Uh…I guess so...sure."

Sheldon sighs irritated by this sudden change in leadership of Team Swordfish.

Sheldon: "Hold on a second, how long is the average swordfish?"

Stuart thinks about the answer for a few moments then he quickly responds.

Stuart: "I have no idea, but I brought Swedish Fish and Red Vines with me."

Stuart holds up a box of Red Vines, Sheldon's favorite candy. He sees it and immediately snatches the box up from Stuart.

Sheldon: "Fine! You can be captain. Now go make tea!"

Stuart: "Uh…okay."

Leonard: "Jesus, Sheldon what are you upset about now?"

Sheldon: "It's not for me smarty pants. It's for you. You're obviously upset about Penny and when someone's upset its polite to offer them tea."

Stuart immediately gets up off the couch and heads toward kitchen while Howard and Rajesh roll their eyes at Sheldon for being so rude. Sheldon sits down in his spot and then he yells at Stuart again.

Sheldon: "And since you're up Stuart make me some cocoa please. I'm outraged that Leonard is going to miss out on another classic Team Swordfish victory."

Howard: "Sheldon, he's not your servant! He's a house guest. Be nice!"

Sheldon: "Hey, in order, to be a leader first you must serve. Everyone knows that Howard…well everyone that has a doctorate does anyway."

Howard glares at Sheldon for being so rude to him and to Stuart.

Sheldon: "If Stuart is going to take over captain duties then that makes him responsible for making hot beverages for the entire team."

Leonard: "Whatever, I'm going to take a shower then I'm hitting the sack. See ya!"

He sighs sadly and heads into the bathroom so he can shower and fantasize about Penny wearing glasses. As Leonard leaves Rajesh stares at him and frowns.

Rajesh: "Jeez, what a party pooper!"

Sheldon: "He's probably at another sensitive point in his monthly cycle, either that or Leonard's upset because he's too short to ride Transformers at Universal Studios.

Rajesh nods his head in agreement then he grabs some popcorn to eat.

Sheldon turns on the TV and sets the DVR to start recording the first SHARK WEEK special. Once the Discovery Channel station is set. The guys all gather around the GIANT JENGA set and begin to play their new laser version.

**Author's Note: Thanks for reading my story and please stay tuned to find out what happens when the girls start to cut loose at the club.**


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11: The Wil Wheaton Connection**

Penny, Amy and Bernadette arrive at the club and there is already a long line outside of people waiting to get in for the grand opening. Amy and Bernadette frown sadly when they see all the people.

Bernadette: "Oh no, we'll never get in now. Look at that line."

Amy sighs exasperated assuming her birthday night is officially ruined now.

Amy: "I told you two we should have skipped dessert!"

Penny: "Don't panic Ames. Leave it to me."

She confidently walks straight up to the front of line ahead of everyone else and smiles at the big, tall bouncer checking people in at the door.

Penny: "Excuse me. Sorry we're late, but we'd like a private VIP table please. We're all friends with Zach Johnson. I'm Penny and uh...this here is Amy and Bernadette. "

The bouncer quickly glances down at his clipboard. He looks at a list of VIP member names then he frowns at her.

The bouncer: "I'm sorry, but you're not on the list. You'll have to wait in line."

Amy puts her head down and shakes it looking ready to give up entirely, but Penny refuses to give up.

Penny: "Oh really, so you want me to call Zach, the owner's son and explain to him that some petty functionary with a little clipboard just turned away his close, personal friends. You must want me to cause a scene right here on the sidewalk and you must want to be FIRED! Fine, if that's what you want."

She quickly whips out her cell phone pretending like she is about to call Zach, but then Penny drops the phone on purpose so she has to bend over to pick it up giving the bouncer a nice look at her fine ass in her short sexy red leather dress. The male bouncer gets all flustered all of sudden not sure what to do as he stares at her behind. But, a female bouncer standing nearby helping control the crowd doesn't fall for Penny's act at all. She yells at Penny to get her ass to the back of the line or she is going to let the angry waiting crowd have at her.

Penny sighs in frustration; she can't believe her plan didn't work. The girls start to leave, but then they see Wil Wheaton walking up towards them with a friend. Penny immediately smiles when she sees him, but Amy frowns because she doesn't really like Wil very much.

Amy: "Well, well, well if it isn't Wil Wheaton, could my birthday get any worse?!"

Penny: "Amy, be nice."

Wil: "Seriously!? It's your birthday?"

Penny nods in response and Wil smiles at Amy trying to be nice. He still has no idea why Amy hates him so much.

Amy: "As a matter of fact it is, but what's it to you?"

Wil: "Well today is my birthday too."

Amy: "It is!?"

He nods at her happily then he looks around for a moment expecting to see Sheldon with them. Amy stares at Wil surprised to discover that she actually has something in common with her boyfriend's old nemesis and current man crush.

Wil: "So where's Sheldon?"

Amy: "He couldn't make it tonight. He's sick."

Wil: "Oh wow, that's too bad."

Amy: "Yeah."

Penny: "Hi Wil!"

Wil: "Penny, WOW! Hey there. You're looking good."

Penny: "Oh well aren't you sweet? We were just trying to get into this club here, but we're having a bit of trouble. You think you can help us out."

Wil: "Sure, I'd be happy to."

Penny: "Oh thank you."

Bernadette smiles and says thank you to Wil, but Amy isn't convinced that he can do anything to help them. He heads up to door and tells the bouncer his name then he points at the girls.

Wil: "They're with me."

The bouncer checks his list again and sees Wil's name is on there so he lets them all inside. The male bouncer recognizes Wil Wheaton too and immediately begs for an autograph. Wil politely gives the guy one and Amy stares in total shock. She had no idea he was this popular.

Penny smugly smiles at the rude female bouncer as she passes her by into the club with Wil. As soon as they get inside she orders them all drinks then they head for the VIP area. They all sit around drinking and chatting until the girls get pretty drunk. After a few too many cocktails Amy decides she wants to try riding the mechanical bull at the club. She taps Penny on the shoulder.

Amy: "Look, look Penny! I've always wanted to ride one of those."

Penny: "Really? Well I can show you how. I've done it lots of times. I use to be junior rodeo champion."

Amy: "Oh Yippee!"

Bernadette: "No, Amy I believe its YEEHAW!"

She giggles loudly and takes another sip of her cocktail.

Wil: "Ha, I've got get some video of this then."

Wil grins as he uses his video phone to film Penny and Amy riding the bull together. Penny holds on to Amy's waist as they ride the bull so she won't fall of it. Amy yells "YEEHAW!" and tells the operator to make the bull go faster. After they get off the bull she falls down super dizzy and drunk while Penny laughs and helps her up. Next, the girls head back to the bar and continue drinking themselves stupid.

Amy dares Penny to get up on the bar and dance so she does it. Soon Amy and Bernadette join her up there and they all shake their asses while dancing to These Boots Are Made For Walking on top of the bar. Wil Wheaton films the whole awkward yet weirdly sexy thing and he laughs his ass off at how much fun they are having up there. Penny sees Zach in the club; she smiles as she climbs down to greet him.

Penny: "ZACH! ZACH!"

He turns around surprised to hear her voice.

Zach: "Penny whistle? Is that you?"

She jumps into his arms and he gives her a huge bear hug lifting her off the ground and twirling her in a circle. Then He puts her down and grins at her.

Zach: "You look amazing Penny whistle, nice to see you. It's been awhile."

Penny: "Yeah, yeah you too. Hey Zach, come…come dance with us!"

Zach: Oh I don't know Penny. I'm supposed to be working right now. My dad says he'll fire me if I screw up again."

Penny: "Ah come on! Just one dance, plllllllllleeeeeeeaaseeeeee."

She makes a fake pouty face that she knows Zach can't resist.

Bernadette: "Yeah, its Amy's birthday. She wants to dance with you."

Zach: "Her birthday, oh well how can I say no to that!"

He puts two fingers up to his mouth and whistles loudly to alert the bartender he's going to take his break. Penny and Bernadette giggle as they lead Amy out to the dance floor then they tell her to close her eyes. Amy closes her eyes waiting for her big surprise. Zach sneaks up behind her and picks Amy off the ground before twirling her in a circle like a big goon. Amy almost wets herself when she sees who it is on dance floor with her.

Amy: "It's…its HOOOO! Uh…I mean you!"

Zach: "So I hear you want dance little lady?"

Amy: "Me? You…you want to dance with me?"

Zach: "Well sure, LET'S DO IT! HEY JOE! TURN IT UP!"

He immediately grabs Amy by the waist and then pulls her in close to his body. The DJ Joe nods at him then he turns up the music. Zach whisks Amy around the floor like a big dancing goon. Her feet can barely touch the ground because he is so much taller as he holds her in his arms. She grins with delight as they awkwardly do the Dosey Doe together. Penny is asked to dance too by a random hot male stranger at the club so she joins in the fun on the dance floor while Bernadette watches them from the side and talks to Wil Wheaton. Wil continues films all the fun with his video phone and smiles at Bernadette.

Wil: "You should get out there too. Go dance."

Bernadette: "Oh no. I can't. I'm married. See."

She holds her hand to shows him the wedding ring on her finger."

Wil: "So! Married people can still have fun too there are a lot of options out there."

Bernadette: "Yeah I know. It's just Howard couldn't make it tonight. He has pink eye again."

Wil: "Well Howard's still one lucky guy. If you don't mind me asking….Why'd you pick him?"

Bernadette: "Well he just knows how to make me laugh. And, I don't feel so small when I'm with him I feel BIG! I'm lucky to have him really. He's real smart guy and you do know he went to space right?"

Wil: "Yeah, I heard about that. That's cool. I'm still looking for my special someone so I was just curious. I don't know if I'll ever get marry."

Bernadette: "Oh I'm sure you'll find the right girl someday, you're a real catch."

Wil: "Thanks Bernadette. It's just most girls are too intimidated to date a celebrity while others just want to be able to say they with someone famous. Don't get me wrong sex with random stranger is great! But, I'd really like to find "The one" you know someone who I share a real genuine connection with."

Bernadette: "That's sweet Wil. Hey, you know what let's dance."

Wil: "Really, are you sure?"

Bernadette: "Yeah! You only live once right?"

Will smiles and nods at that. He hands his phone over to his friend to film them and then he heads out on the dance floor with Bernadette. Wil's friend Matt films all the dancing and party festivities then he posts the video up on Wil's Facebook and Twitter page for him and all his friends and followers to see it.

Leonard finishes his shower and comes out of the bathroom wearing only a bathrobe. His hair is still wet from the shower as he heads to his room. He changes into his pajamas then Leonard checks his email again. He gets a bunch of email notifications from some of Penny's Facebook friends about the video. He clicks on the link to watch it and immediately gets jealous when he sees the hot guy she is dancing with at the club. He gets even more upset as video continues to get raunchy and more disturbing.

Soon a male stripper starts removing his shirt and grinding his package against Amy's behind. Amy squeals nervously as Penny cheers her on and dances. It's obvious the girls have all gone totally wild and are very drunk now. Amy is so wasted she kisses Penny on the lips again and then without even batting an eyelash she kisses Zach too. Penny cracks up laughing about it, but Leonard doesn't find any of it amusing at all.

Zach smiles at Penny and then he tells the girls and Wil that they're all welcome to come over to his place because he just put in a new Jacuzzi in his backyard. Bernadette tells him they can't leave just yet because they are having way too much fun. She has come up with another sweet little surprise for Amy.

Suddenly, the music stops playing and the DJ tells everyone that it's Amy and Wil's birthday. All the people on the dance floor start singing Happy Birthday to them while the bartender brings out a birthday cake with candles on it.

Amy tears up happily that they are all being so nice to her. She finally feels popular and cool for a change which makes her extra happy. Wil smiles as he blows out the candles then he politely offers the first slice of cake to Amy. She is not sure if is just the alcohol making her not despise him so much, but she finally gives him a big hug and yells out loudly to the crowd.

Amy: "WIL WHEATON DOESN'T SUCK!"

Wil chuckles slightly and hugs her back then they both eat their cake together.


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12: The Dolls for Dollars **

Leonard is totally appalled by all the fun the girls are having at the club without them. He quickly shuts off his laptop, jumps out of bed and starts pacing angrily around the room trying to decide what to do next. He decides to take charge of the situation so he rushes over to his closet to pick out something "_COOL_" to wear out to this nightclub. He chooses a dark blue button down top and fitted black vest that Penny got for him at Urban Outfitters. Leonard gets all dressed up, puts in a ton of hair gel and dabs on plenty of manly cologne.

He finally comes out of his bedroom, walks right into the living room and immediately shuts off the television to get the guys attention. The guys frown at him confused and upset that Leonard is interrupting their documentary.

Howard: "HEY!"

Sheldon: "Leonard, did you just shut off the TV during a classic computer generated reenactment of the historic evolution of shark vertebrae?"

Leonard: "Yes I did!"

Sheldon: "ARE YOU ILL!?"

Leonard: "No Sheldon, I'm fed up! I can't just sit around like a bump on a log while other guys make a play for our women."

Howard: "Wait, what the hell are you talking about?"

Leonard: "Go check Wil Wheaton's FaceBook page and see for yourself! It's probably all over twitter and YouTube by now too. Go on…take a look!"

Howard frowns with confusion as he puts down his popcorn on the coffee table and pulls out his I-phone to find out what Leonard is talking about. He goes straight to Wil's Facebook page and Rajesh scoots in extremely close to Howard so that he can also see it. Leonard folds his arms impatiently waiting for their disgruntled reaction to the disturbing video of the girls having way too much fun at the club. Howard's eyes quickly bulge wide with shock as he watches the video on Wil's page.

Howard: "Why…that Son of a Bitch!"

Raj: "Damn, Sheldon your girlfriend can get down! Who knew Amy was so flexible."

Raj holds up Howard's phone higher so that Sheldon can see Amy kissing Penny, doing cartwheels and then grinding on the dance floor with Zach. Sheldon frowns at it then he looks up at Leonard still hung up on the documentary and confused by what is going on.

Sheldon: "Wait….I still don't understand; why did you turn off the classic computer generated reenactment of the evolution of shark vertebrae?"

Leonard rolls his eyes and scoffs at Sheldon annoying obsession with sharks.

Leonard: "Because I'm an idiot Sheldon! We are all idiots! I knew we should have gone with the girls in the first place then none of this would have happened. Now hurry! Get up and get dressed, we're going over there!"

Sheldon: "But….but what about Shark week?"

Leonard: "Screw the damn sharks, Sheldon! Your girlfriend and mine are about to end up in some Jacuzzi making out with Zach and his buddies if we don't get our asses over there and do something about it!"

Sheldon: "Does he have a Jacuzzi or just a hot tub? I was never quite clear on that."

Howard and Leonard both stare at Sheldon totally confused by his seemingly random question.

Leonard: "WHAT!?"

Sheldon: "Well there is a difference you know. Jacuzzi is the brand name, but not all hot tubs are Jacuzzis. And further more…"

Leonard: "SHELDON STOP IT! GET UP NOW! We don't have time to argue about this!"

He grabs Sheldon's jacket out of the closet and throws it at him.

Sheldon: "Alright, Alright…no need to bark at me! I don't know about you and Penny, but I trust Amy. She would never get inside a tub full of strange men. Why the vial bacteria swimming in there alone would be unbearable."

Leonard: "We still have to go over there! Now come on!"

Howard shakes his head angrily as he plays the video over again.

Howard: "Unbelievable! You know Bernadette wouldn't even let me hire strippers for my own bachelor party, but now it's suddenly okay for Amy's birthday. Well this is totally unacceptable! Just wait till I get my hands on Wil, I'm going tear his throat out for this!"

Raj: "Wait, how are you going to even get inside that club? It's probably packed by now and it's not like we're on the guest list."

Howard: "We don't need to get inside; we just have to get everyone else to come outside. I'll call the police department; tell them there's a bomb inside that should do the trick."

Sheldon: "NO! You can't do that Howard! IT'S AGAINST THE LAW!"

Howard: "I don't care Sheldon; this is my wife we're talking about here! I have to do something!"

Leonard: "No, Sheldon's right. Don't call the police instead call that escort service you use to hire for all our office parties."

Howard: "You mean Dolls for Dollars?

Leonard nods his head excited by his new plan.

Raj: "I don't get it. How's that going to help?"

Leonard: "Just call them up and tell them we need three of their hottest girls for a couple of hours. Doesn't matter how much it costs we'll pay it. Two can play at this game, we're getting into that club and we're going in style boys!"

Sheldon: "But, I thought you said you didn't want play any games tonight?"

Leonard: "Sheldon, just go wash that stupid make up off your face!"

Howard takes his phone back from Rajesh ready to make the call.

Raj: "Wait, make it five girls! Stuart and I want escorts too!"

Stuart: "Uh…but, Raj…um I can't really afford an escort."

Raj: "Don't worry about it man, it's my treat. In fact, let's order a limo too!"

Stuart: "Really? Gee…Thanks man!"

Raj: "It's my pleasure."

Stuart smiles excited to be going out to a club with a girl for first time in ages. Raj gleefully smiles too as he pats Stuart on the back. Sheldon still thinks it all sounds like the stupidest idea he has ever heard.

Sheldon: "Well I don't want any escort. I'll just call Amy and tell her to leave that place immediately."

Leonard: "Look, Sheldon. Do you want Amy to be happy or do you want her to be with YOU!?"

Sheldon frowns realizing Leonard is insulting him now.

Leonard: "She's your girlfriend. MAN UP! We screwed up before, but what the girls are doing right now is worse! We can't let them think we're boring losers! We need to show them that we know how to go out and have a good time too."

Sheldon sighs with aggravation and anxiety. He doesn't think staying at home to watch shark week makes them losers at all. But, he is somewhat concerned Amy might get into even more trouble on this girls night out so he feels obligated to go do something about it.

Sheldon: "Fine I'll go, but I better not have to dance with anybody when we get there."

Leonard rolls his eyes because Sheldon still doesn't get what he's trying to plan here. But, Howard grins as he dials the number for escort service because he actually likes Leonard's idea to make their girls jealous. The idea of partying with sexy escorts for night reminds him of his bachelor days so he can't wait to do it again.

When the escort service operator answers the phone and starts talking to Howard she quickly recognizes his voice because he use to call them so much for women. They chat on the phone like old friends who haven't spoken in awhile. Sheldon sighs sadly as he gets up and goes into his bathroom to clean up for the evening. He is very irritated and starting not to feel very good, but he assumes it's because he has to miss the first night of SHARK WEEK just to go pull his woman out of some dirty boring club.


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13: The Transvestite Transformation **

An hour and a half later, Penny, Amy and Bernadette are in the bathroom at the club freshening up. Amy fixes her smeared lipstick in front of the bathroom mirror while Bernadette pulls hay straws from the dance floor out of her hair. Penny squats down inside of a stall trying to pee, but she is having a bit of trouble doing so with Amy talking to her so much while she is attempting to do her business.

Amy: "Penny, this has been the best birthday ever! Thank you so much for talking me into coming out tonight for this. I never have this much fun in my life."

Penny: "Yeah…yeah okay. You're welcome sweetie."

Amy: "I mean I thought our trip to Disneyland was fun, but tonight tops them all. Those strippers …Holy Moly...they were HOT! And, Zach is such a fantastic dancer! I'm still perspiring over here from it. He's even better than Sheldon doing the Cha-cha-cha. Just don't tell Sheldon I said that okay."

Penny: "Mum's the word. Now hush… I'm trying to tinkle here!"

Bernadette turns towards Amy and smiles.

Bernadette: "Yeah, I was pleasantly surprised by Wil too. He actually has some pretty nice dance skills. You know for a guy from Star Trek."

Penny: "Well ladies, now you know what my life was like before the nerds came! Before all the video game contests, science documentaries and endless debates about Red Hulk vs. Thor's Hammer…I use to have fun like this every weekend."

Bernadette: "So what are you saying you're bored with your life now?"

Penny: "No. I'm just saying its fun to get away from all that nerdy stuff once and awhile. You know go out to club, do some drinking, dancing, make out with a stranger…you know be normal."

Bernadette frowns up her face at Penny's idea of normalcy, but Amy smiles and nods her head with excitement.

Amy: "Oh how I wish we could be more adventurous like you Penny. Sheldon rarely wants to go out places with me unless it's a trip to the comic book store or Lego Land. Lately, all we seem to do is sit around eating take out and watching TV. I love him so much. He's brilliant and sexy, but sometimes I wish he would loosen up a little more. He'd never want to come to a place like this with me even if he wasn't sick."

Penny: "Yeah that's true; Leonard's pretty much the same way. They just don't know what they're missing do they?"

Penny flushes the toilet then she comes out of the stall and washes her hands.

Amy: "Nope! I do kind of feel guilty leaving them at home, but I don't want this night to end yet! Zach promised he'll show me how to shoot darts."

Penny uses her hands to adjust her bra to make her boobs stand out little more then she rubs her finger across her teeth to wipe away any lipstick. She finally smiles at herself in the mirror as she checks herself out.

Penny: "Come on ladies, let's get back out there and show'em all how it's done!"

Bernadette opens the bathroom door up for Penny and Amy. They walk through it excited to continue partying. But, as the girls walk back out towards the dance floor they stop immediately in their tracks stunned by the most shocking sight imaginable for them. Their mouths gap open as they stare at Howard, Leonard, Sheldon, Rajesh and Stuart all tearing it up on the dance floor with five of the sluttiest girls they've ever seen in their lives.

* * *

Howard has on his tightest pair of gold lame disco pants along with a light up belt buckle that reads "YEEHAW," black cowboy boots and a long sleeved suede black shirt with gold studs. He wildly waves his bright red cowboy hat up above his head while he smacks his dancer partner's ass with his other hand and shakes his booty up against Raj's backside.

Raj's outfit is even crazier looking because he decided to put on Ass-less brown leather chaps with red sequined stud booty shorts underneath and a red handkerchief wrapped around his neck with no shirt and a brown leather cowboy hat. He looks like he walked straight out of a member of the Village People's closet. Two of the sexy female escorts the guys hired keep rubbing their hands all over Stuart and shimmying around him as he attempts to keep up with the rhythm of the music, but is failing miserably at it. He has on a gray plaid cowboy shirt and Wrangler jeans.

Leonard sees that the girls are now watching them dance so he tries to do a break dancing backspin on the floor, but he only ends up looking more ridiculous when he gets stuck on his back like a turtle. Stuart has to help Leonard up before others end up stepping on him. They try to play it off like its cool and everything is under control. But, Sheldon just stands in the middle of all this dancing chaos frowning at them and complaining that the club doesn't have the required amount of emergency exits to suit a crowd of this size. He then pulls out his headphones and puts them over his ears because he is still hoping to watch some video of the sharks he downloaded onto his I-phone. Also, he doesn't want Amy to see his ears.

The girls keep staring for few more seconds, watching in total confusion and shock barely able to comprehend the insanity they are witnessing right now.

Penny: "Okay, someone must have put something in my drink again cause I swear it looks like Leonard, Howard, Sheldon, Raj and Stuart over there. I'm tripping right?"

Bernadette: "I don't know Penny, but I see it too. Amy?"

Amy: "So do I! You know there are psychological brain studies about shared hallucinations amongst women that are all menstruating at same time for an extended period of time, but I'm not on my Menses right now are you Penny?"

Penny: "Nope, I'm all dry!"

Bernadette: "Are we being punked then!? This has to be a joke right, a birthday prank maybe?"

Bernadette quickly looks around from side to side as if she's expecting to see television cameras pop out of nowhere and surprise them for Amy's birthday or something. Amy immediately starts smoothing down her hair just in case.

Amy: "Oh golly, I hope not. I've always found Ashton Kutcher to be too supercilious for my taste."

Penny: "Well of course he's super silly, but Ashton's a cutie when he's not wearing those ugly trucker hats. Besides wasn't that show cancelled, isn't he like on Two and Half Men now or something?"

Amy and Bernadette both give each other sad knowing looks realizing that Penny is still too dumb and drunk right now to understand what Amy really meant.

Bernadette: "Well something's not right here. Let's find out what's going on."

Amy nods her head as she and Penny follow Bernadette over to the dance floor to speak to the guys. Howard continues dancing like an idiot with his super tall date for the evening. He smiles as they get close.

Howard: "Oh hey babe, what's up!?"

Bernadette: "HOWARD!? What are you guys doing here? I thought you weren't feeling well!?"

Howard: "I wasn't before, but then I called up Deidre here and she's been cheering me up."

Deidre the escort giggles along with Howard and turns around to say "Hi" to the girls.

Bernadette: "Wait, I don't understand. Are you saying you hired this woman!?"

Howard: "Oh if you're worried about the money, don't be. Raj is picking up the tab on this one."

Raj grins and high fives Howard as he dances.

Raj: "Oh yeah just like old times!"

Bernadette frowns at them and her super squeaky high voice gets even higher and squeakier.

Bernadette: "RAJ, how could!? You know how I feel about this! I said no prostitutes!"

Howard: "Oh so Raj and I dancing with these girls is wrong, but you hiring male strippers is okay!?"

Bernadette: "Huh? How do you know about that?"

Howard: "Oh wouldn't you like to know!"

Bernadette: "Howard!?"

Deidre: "Hey, look he's with me tonight. Sorry sweet cheeks, but if you want in on this action then that's going to cost extra."

Bernadette: "OH BITE ME!"

Deidre: "Biting costs extra too. I'll have to call my boss up and get a quote for that."

Bernadette can't believe what she is hearing right now. She is just about ready to start kicking this stupid bimbo's ass, but Penny grabs Bernadette's arm before any fighting can start.

Penny: "They can't be serious. This has to be some sort of a joke."

Leonard: "I don't know was it a joke when you dancing with strippers and kissing Amy earlier.

Penny blushes with embarrassment not sure how to respond or how he knows about that.

Howard: "Yeah and don't try to deny it Toots because we saw the video of you all!"

Amy: "What video!?"

Howard pulls out his phone that he miraculous still manages to squeeze inside his super tight back pocket. He holds up his phone for them to see video of them on Wil's page. Bernadette watches it and after only a minute she screams out in anger. She is furious that Wil would betray them like this and let such a video get out for everyone to see on the internet.

Bernadette: "WHEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAATT TTTTTTTTOOONNNNNN!"

Wil and his friend Matt hear her outraged scream all the way at the bar. They both realize right away they're in BIG TROUBLE so they quickly find a back door and exit the club before they get caught.

Howard: "You know what Bernie. I may be a lot of things, an engineer, an astronaut, a nerd, but above all that I'm your husband! I've been nothing, but faithful and loyal to see since we've got together and I've felt like the luckiest man alive to be with you until I saw the video. I've honestly never felt so embarrassed and ashamed before."

Rajesh: "And that's saying a lot considering this man has had his scrotum glued to his own scooter by real motorcyclists before."

Howard frowns at Raj for bringing up such an embarrassing story from his past while he's trying to chastise his wife for being a hypocrite.

Bernadette: "Howie, sweetheart… I'm sorry. You weren't supposed to find out about the strippers. We just wanted to do something special for Amy's birthday that's all. I never meant to hurt you."

Penny: "Hey I still don't see how that gives you guys the right to hire these floozies and bring them here for everyone to see. What was that supposed to accomplish Howard!?"

Amy: "YEAH!"

Howard: "Hey, don't blame me! This was all Leonard's idea; we just came along for the ride."

Raj: "YEAH!"

Penny gasps in shock and anger then she looks at Leonard waiting for an explanation. Leonard frowns at Howard for throwing him under the bus again, but then he frowns at Penny ready to stand his ground on this one.

Leonard: "I just wanted you to know that you're not the only ones who can go out and have a good time. Besides, it was all Howard's stupid idea to fake being sick so we wouldn't have to come out in the first place. I wanted to come before Penny I really did."

Amy, Penny, and Bernadette all gasp together this time when they hear this news. Howard glares at Leonard for turning things all back around on him again. He slaps his hands down against his shiny pants.

Howard: ""Et tu, Brute!?"

Bernadette: "Howard, how could you!? You lie to me!?"

Howard: "Well you lied too, and hey none of this would have happened if Amy had just been born a week earlier! I can't help it that this is SHARK WEEK. We didn't want to miss it okay. When it was my birthday last month, I didn't stop you girls from going shopping all day!"

Raj: "YEAH!"

Penny: "OH SHUT UP RAJ!"

Amy feels ready to cry now. She can't believe her perfect birthday celebration has all been ruined like this and that the guys lied about being sick just to get out of celebrating with her. She turns towards Sheldon eyes full of tears and screams at him.

Amy: "YOU….YOU COWARD! YOU…JERK!"

She swings her purse up in the air ready to smack Sheldon in the face with it, but he wisely ducks down just in time and instead Amy hits one of the escorts in back of the head really hard with her bag.

"OW!" the poor woman screams as she falls to the floor. Her friend Deidre runs over to help her.

Deidre: "Oh my God! Are you okay?"

"OW! I'm bleeding!"

The escort frowns fearfully as she looks at her hand which now has blood from the back of her head on it.

Amy: "Oh no I'm so sorry! I didn't mean…"

Deidre: "YOU CRAZY BITCH! WHAT THE HELL IS THE MATTER WITH YOU!?"

Deidre stands back up and shoves Amy backwards really hard, but fortunately Howard and Leonard both spring into action and grab on to Amy before she falls down so she won't get hurt.

Amy: "HEY!"

Sheldon swirls around as he feels the Texas hero in him rise up ready to protect his woman. He steps in between Amy and the escort Deidre and puts his dukes up in the air to scare her away.

Sheldon: "You stay away from my woman!"

Leonard: "Sheldon?! No!"

Sheldon: "I've got this Leonard, stand down cowpoke!"

Dede: "What so you think you can take me, Robot-man!?"

Sheldon: "I don't believe in hitting girls, but since your Adam's apple is suspiciously large for a female I'd say I can make an exception with you Adam!"

He reaches up with surprising Flash-like speed and snatches Deidre's wig off revealing her to be really a man.

Howard freaks out when he realizes that all this time Deidre "the girl" he's been dancing with and has let grope him all night is really a transvestite.

Howard: "EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"

Deidre glares at them ready to fight now, suddenly "her" voice gets much lower and deeper like a man's voice.

Deidre: "Oh you've done it now boy! I'm going to kick your ASS! Felicia, baby… Hold My Earrings!"

Another escort that came with them named Felicia moves closer ready to help her friend out.

Penny: "Okay stop it… JUST BACK OFF!"

Penny steps in front of Sheldon to protect him and Amy from this fight. She knows Sheldon can't fight well at all, but Sheldon is too upset now to back off.

Sheldon: "I summon the power of the Force! Jedi Knights…ATTACK!"

Sheldon points his fingers out at the transvestite and holds his other hand up to his head preparing to use his Jedi mind trick to destroy Deidre. Howard, Raj, Stuart and Leonard all look at each for a very quick second then they nod in unison and rush all at once towards Deidre hoping to overpower him/her. Leonard, unfortunately screws up the charge by slipping which causes Howard, Raj and Stuart to all go tumbling down to the floor on top of one another. Everyone else in the club just stares at them in completely shock and confusion.


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14: The Masturbation Agreement **

Deidre, the transvestite laughs hysterically when the guys all fall over and hit the ground. Soon most of the clubbers on the dance floor join in laughing cruelly at the pathetic nerds tangled up in a pile on the floor. Bernadette immediately gets angry at these jerks for being so rude.

Bernadette: "Hey, stop laughing, it's not funny!"

Her comment only makes everyone laugh even louder until the club DJ abruptly stops the music then they all quiet down. Bernadette and Penny help the guys up off the floor.

Bernadette: "Are you guys okay!?"

Howard: "NO! This is totally humiliating Bernie"

Deidre: "Ha! Losers! Why don't you go home and cry in your mommies laps!"

Bernadette: "Hey, you…SHUT IT!"

Deidre: "Yeah, and what are you going do if I don't munchkin?!"

Bernadette: "THAT'S IT SOMEBODY HOLD MY PURSE! THIS BITCH IS TOAST!"

Bernadette throws her purse back at Howie ready to start kicking ass. Both Penny and Leonard grab Bernadette's arms before she attempts to rip off the transvestite's privates and turn "him" into a "her" once and for all. Zach runs up on stage to stop the madness before a fight breaks out in his dad's club. He quickly grabs a microphone and speaks to the crowd.

Zach: "Alright, everyone can I have your attention please! These are my friends so you all just go about your business and leave'em alone before I call the cops! My daddy always told me it takes more strength of character to walk away from a fight than to start one. So go on ya'll walk away. GO ON!"

The other people on the dance floor roll their eyes and sigh at Zach. Then they start heading for the bar or bathrooms now that the owner's son is threatening to call the cops and ruin their fun.

The DJ standing behind Zach starts playing the song _These Boots are Made for Walking_ just to make message even clearer. Deidre rolls her eyes and demands her ugly wig back so Sheldon nervously throws it back at her.

Deidre: "Whatever, you geeks aren't even worth it. Howard, you're cut off for life! Don't ever call our service again!"

He scoffs at her actually happy to be cut off now that he knows she is a man.

Howard: "OH TRUST ME I WON'T!"

Deidre glares at them one more time then she helps her escort friend to the bar to get some ice for her swelling head. Zach comes down off the stage and Penny smiles at him.

Penny: "Thanks for your help Zach. Sorry we caused so much trouble."

Zach: "Ah…its okay Pennywhistle, I know you didn't mean any harm."

Penny nods at him politely while Leonard stands up. He frowns at them still feeling very embarrassed by what just happened. Zach turns towards Leonard and pats him on the back.

Zach: "Hey man, glad ya'll finally made it out!"

Leonard: "Well don't be! We never should have come. We just came to teach the girls a lesson."

Zach: "Really? What lesson?"

Penny: "YEAH! What lesson… Leonard!?"

He sighs loudly knowing that he better choose his words carefully otherwise Penny might just punch him in the throat.

Leonard: "uh….umm…the lesson…the lesson is…..uh, that we are sorry for ditching ya'll to stay home and watch a bunch of stupid fish shows. It was wrong. We should haven't lied to you or hire those escorts. That stupid video freaked me out. I wanted you to see that we can come out of our comfort zone, and have some fun too Penny. Things just got way out of hand. I'm sorry."

Penny stares at Leonard for a moment then she sighs realizing that she is also partially to blame for this crazy night. She is also glad that Leonard is willing to apologize for his stupid behavior today.

Penny: "Look, I'm sorry too Leonard. I shouldn't have hired those strippers. Look, just take me home. I'm too drunk to talk about it. We can sort this out later. I'm probably going to need to throw up soon anyway. Take me home and I'll let you hold my hair back."

Leonard smiles at her surprised, but happy that Penny is still willing to let him take care of her instead of yelling or storming off this time. Bernadette nods in agreement with Penny's desire to just leave now.

Bernadette: "How about it Howie? Want to go home, take a hot bath, snuggle in bed and watch the rest of whatever shark show you're so crazy about.

Howard: "Really? You'd do that for me after what I did?

Bernadette: "Well yes, you behaved like a complete idiot, but your still MY IDIOT aren't you?"

Howard chuckles and nods his head to say yes.

Howard: "Forever and ever….I'm yours to the moon and back baby."

Bernadette smiles happy to hear it then she softly kisses Howard. They both hold each other's hand and Raj smiles too happy that they got out of this pickle without any major bloodshed from Team Shark or Team Swordfish.

However, Amy is still upset with Sheldon for ruining her birthday celebration. She glares at him and folds her arms up. He moves closer a little worried that she may have gotten hurt when Deidre pushed her.

Sheldon: "Did that crazy, mean ol' transvestite hurt you?"

Amy: "No, you did! You lied to me Sheldon!"

Sheldon backs away just a bit feeling afraid of her and slightly ashamed now.

Amy: "All I wanted for my birthday was one special night out with my friends. And, you go and pull a stunt like this! Well….what have you got to say for yourself?

He stares at Amy not exactly sure what to say to make her feel better.

Sheldon: "Ummmmmm…..well now Amy in my defense it wasn't a complete lie after all."

Amy: "And, what's that supposed to mean!?"

He removes his headphones so she can see his ears. Amy, Penny, Leonard all gasp at how awful, red and inflamed his ears look.

Sheldon: "I think the make-up Raj put on my ears gave me some sort of a rash. I'm all itchy."

She looks at Sheldon's ear and realizes that he is telling the truth now. Even though a part of her is still angry with him Amy can't help, but feel sorry for him too. She shakes her head a bit and then decides to comfort him like she always does.

Amy: "Come on, I'll take care of you."

Sheldon smiles like a little kid happy he's not in trouble anymore.

Sheldon: "Thanks Amy."

Amy: "Yeah…Yeah, but Sheldon Cooper, you still owe me a do over birthday."

Sheldon: "Alright, I promise next year on your birthday we'll do whatever you want to do."

Amy: "Really, do you mean it!? Anything I want?"

He nods his head trying hard not to resist the urge to reach up and scratch his itchy ears.

Amy: "Even if what I want next time is sexual intercourse?"

Suddenly, Penny, Leonard, Howard, Raj, Bernadette and Stuart all get wide eyes and stare at Sheldon waiting to hear his answer to her question. Penny squeezes Leonard's arm in anticipation.

Sheldon: "Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm…."

Amy: "SHELDON!?"

He quickly puts his hand up and cups his own ear pretending like he can't hear anymore.

Sheldon: "What you say Amy?! Sorry my ears are soooo infected…I can't hear you...I can't hear a thing. Oh no! I must be going deaf! HELLO! HELLO! CAN ANYONE HEAR ME!? CAUSE I SURE CAN'T!"

All his friends roll their eyes at Sheldon's lame attempt to fake her out. He is obviously faking this sudden hearing loss to get out of answering her question and that just pisses her off all over again.

Amy: "You know what just forget it! I'm out of here!"

She starts to walk off angry that he is being so selfish and still lying to her. Penny smacks Sheldon against the back of his head for being so rude to Amy on her birthday.

Penny: "Sheldon, stop being a jerk! GO AFTER HER!"

He sighs reluctantly then follows Amy and grabs her by the arm.

Sheldon: "Wait! Okay I'm sorry! Don't leave. I…I have a counter proposal."

Amy: "What!?"

Sheldon: "Uh…how about if we do that compromising thing again."

Amy sighs. Her head tells her to keep walking out that the door, but her heart and her loins really want her to stay and hear him out.

Sheldon: "I have an alternative solution that we'll make you like me again, but I feel we should probably discuss this matter in private."

Amy: "Fine, let's go outside."

Sheldon smiles at her and then surprises Amy by carefully taking her hand to lead her out the back door so they can talk in private and away from the noisy club. As soon as they leave the club Penny needs to run to bathroom again because she finally feels ready to throw up. Leonard goes with her to hold her hair back. Raj and Stuart start dancing again like dorks while waiting for them to return. Bernadette and Howard head for the limo that the guys came in to make out with each other until everyone is ready to leave.

Once Sheldon and Amy are outside of the club she lets go of his hand and folds her arms again.

Amy: "Alright, what is it Sheldon?"

Sheldon: "Amy, you are my girlfriend and you know that my entire life is on a very important fixed schedule right? I plan out everything perfectly from my meals to my bowel movements."

Amy: "Yeah so?"

Sheldon: "Well I also have a planned masturbation day."

Amy: "A what!?"

Sheldon: "I masturbate once a year and it's supposed to happen this Thursday. So how would you like it if I give you my sperm after I'm done to keep…consider it an additional birthday present to make up for today."

Amy can't believe her ears. She stares at him completely stunned by his suggestion. Up until now she didn't even think he actually masturbates like normal humans do. Now the thought of him doing it makes her even hornier, but she still doesn't quite believe him yet.

Amy: "Are you serious!? Is this some sort of BAZINGA cause I'm in no mood for…?"

He cuts her off to let her know he is not joking about this at all.

Sheldon: "I'm serious Amy! I want you to have it. You'll make an excellent mother figure someday."

Sheldon nods his head at her while scratching his infected ear. He doesn't get at all how totally weird and crazy this proposal sounds to Amy. He just assumes that she will accept his generous offering of sperm and be grateful for it. She is flattered that he thinks she'll make a good mother, but Amy still doesn't understand how sperm is supposed to make her feel better about today.

Sheldon: "You can keep it in your freezer and years from now when I decide we're ready to have children you can go to the clinic and have my sperm implanted into your uterus. So what do you say Amy!?"

Amy mouth opens up again in shock she still can't believe that he thinks this is a good compromise to sex. She is just about ready to start screaming at him for being so crazy, but then she has an epiphany. Her sex starved mind quickly formulates a way to make this nutty idea of his work for her. She decides instead of getting upset with him to turn this all around for both their sakes.

Amy: "So your plan is to masturbate on Thursday and you want to give me your sperm as a gift?"

Sheldon: "Yes, assuming my ear infection clears up some by then and doesn't turn into a fever. I don't like to change my schedule around you know that. So I'm sticking to it."

Amy: "Uh… okay, well um…can I watch?"

He stares at her not understanding why she wants to watch him masturbate.

Sheldon: "You want to watch….Why!?"

She lustfully leers wishing she could tear his clothes off and do him right here in the parking lot, but then she answers in a way she knows he'll be able to understand better than most.

Amy: "I'm a scientist, observing is what we do best. I'll accept your sperm donation; only if you agree to let me watch you make the donation and take notes."

He thinks about it for a quick moment then nods his head in agreement.

Sheldon: "Alright, I guess that makes sense. Come pick me up on Thursday and I'll do it at your apartment just make sure your bathroom is exquisitely sterilized. I will be doing an inspection first."

Amy's smile widens and her heart quickens with anticipation.

Amy: Oh… I will. But, I have one more little request."

Sheldon: "And, what is that?"

Amy: "I want you to watch me do it to on Thursday."

He frowns once again surprised and confused by her. This request doesn't make any sense to him at all.

Sheldon: "Amy, you're a girl. Your body doesn't produce sperm like mine."

Amy: "I know that. But, I think it's only fair that you get a chance to observe me too. After all you are a scientist just like I am so you might just learn something new and interesting from it. Who knows maybe you'll even like what you see."

She winks at Sheldon trying to be seductive, but he is still not getting it.

Sheldon: "Amy, masturbation isn't supposed to be fun like watching a delightful documentary on swordfish or the awesomeness that is Star Trek. It's a messy procedure. Honestly, you say the strangest things sometimes. "

Amy sighs sadden that he doesn't get why doing this together can be very sexy and quite a lot of fun.

Amy: "Look, I promise we won't have to touch each other or do anything more than observe each other if you don't want to. Just sit back and watch me. Please."

Sheldon stares at her still not sure why she wants him to do this, but since it seems so important to her, he just decides to go along with it to make her happy for her birthday.

Sheldon: "Well I guess if that's what you really want."

Amy: "So we have an agreement then? This Thursday you and me will get together and masturbate in front of each other."

Sheldon: "Yes. Now will you please take me to a hospital? I'm going to need some serious antibiotics before my ears get any worse."

Amy smiles at him then nods in agreement trying very hard to hold back her excitement and horniness. She can't wait until Thursday comes so she can show him what he's been missing out on all these years.

Amy: "Okay, but let's seal this deal with a kiss first."

He glares at her like she has totally gone insane.

Sheldon: "Oh, come on now you're just being unreasonable!"

Amy quickly stomps her foot on the ground then pouts out her lip like she's a little kid and like she has seen Sheldon do so many times when he wants to get his way.

Amy: "IT'S MY BIRTHDAY AND I WANT A KISS NOW MISTER!"

Sheldon: "FINE! JEEZ!"

He reluctantly leans in and gives Amy a quick peck on the cheek. She smiles afterwards and bats her eyelashes while he just stares back at her still feeling itchy.

Sheldon: "Happy now!?"

Amy: "Yes that'll do, but I'll be even happier on Thursday."

Sheldon: "Jeepers, you really are a handful."

Amy: "I know, but you'll learn to love me for it."

He frowns up his face not sure what she means by that either, but Amy just keeps grinning back at him. She knows Thursday will be a night to remember for years to come. She follows Sheldon to the limo so they can take a ride to the hospital and later the pharmacy to fill his prescription.

**Author's Note: Once again thanks for reading! F.Y.I… I still plan to write about the days leading up to this special Thursday event (aka Masturbation Day for SHAMY ;) Plus, I have something else special plan for Leonard to on Thursday too, so stay tuned for that surprise. But, first I will include the job switching between Penny and Leonard, Howard and Bernadette and that will take a few chapters at least. And then the Thursday chapter will definitely be another Rated M chapter so please be patient with me until then. Take care and I hope you enjoy this one!**


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter 15:** **The Masturbation Frustration **

Its four A.M. in the morning and the prescription medication Sheldon is on to clear up his ear infection is making him feel even more paranoid than usual. His concerns over spending Thursday night masturbating in front of Amy are keeping from attaining REM sleep. After drinking his fourteenth cup of chamomile tea of the night, Sheldon decides to get up from his SPOT and go consult the man he assumes is probably an expert on the subject of masturbation.

_Knock….Knock….Knock_

Sheldon: "Leonard!?"

_Knock….Knock….Knock_

Sheldon: "Leonard!?"

Leonard sighs with aggravation and tries to bury his head further under his pillow.

_Knock….Knock….Knock_

Sheldon: "LEONARD!?"

Leonard: "WHAT!?"

Sheldon: "We need to talk!"

Leonard rolls his eyes as he looks over at the time on his alarm clock. He sighs again.

Leonard: "It's four in the morning, Sheldon! Go Away! I'm trying to SLEEP!"

Sheldon walks into Leonard's room without being invited in.

Sheldon: "Well I can't sleep. I need your advice about a very personal matter."

Leonard: "Can't we talk about it later? Like maybe when the sun is up!?"

Sheldon: "The sun doesn't come up, Leonard! The earth orbits around it. Honestly, and you call yourself a scientist. You need a refresher course on the basics my friend."

Leonard groans angrily feeling very exhausted.

Leonard: "Look, whatever it is I'm sure it can wait until later! I'm too tired to talk right now and there is nothing you can say that will make me change my mind, so PLEASE GO TO BED!"

He turns back onto his stomach and closes his eyes to go back to sleep. But, Sheldon doesn't leave instead he sits down on Leonard's bed and leans over him.

Sheldon: "I've finally decided to give Amy my semen."

That statement suddenly gets Leonard's attention. He sits up again, quickly puts on his glasses and then he looks into Sheldon's eyes still not sure if he's actually being serious.

Leonard: "What did you just say?"

Sheldon: "I said I've decided to give Amy my..."

Leonard holds up his hand at Sheldon to get him to stop talking. He stares at him very perplexed by this news.

Leonard: "Okay, okay uh… what exactly does that mean?"

Sheldon: "Well it means that on Thursday at seven pm pacific coast time I've agreed to give Amy a sample of my DNA. She will then store and freeze my sperm until we decide to use it to have a child together or as I like to call him Sheldon Jr."

Leonard cringes and shivers at the thought of another younger even more annoying little Sheldon type running around the apartment someday. He rubs his forehead trying to ward off the headache he feels forming already.

Leonard: "You can't be serious?! You actually think you're ready for a kid!? Sheldon, you can't even drive!"

Sheldon: "RELAX, we're not going to have one right now. I'm too busy with my research. But, I'm sure Sheldon Jr. will be evolved enough to invent a teleporter so no one will need to drive in the future. Cars are such a 20th century invention and entirely overrated until then we'll just use you to get around."

Leonard rolls his eyes at the notion that Sheldon automatically assumes it'll still be his responsibility to drive them around in the future. He decides to overlook that crazy notion and focus on what he believes could be the real issue.

Leonard: "Is this whole kid discussion really about "the possibility" of you and Amy having sex someday?"

Sheldon pauses to think about that question for a moment. It surprises him that notion of sex seems slightly less abhorrent to him than it used to, but still Sheldon decides not to even go there.

Sheldon: "Oh please get your mind out of the gutter, this is not about coitus. Right now we are only discussing the possibility of me having to masturbate while Amy observes the process, but I'm still not sure it's a good idea Leonard. I've never done _IT_ in front of anyone before. What if I get stage fright? What will I do then? "

Leonard immediately cringes at the thought of Sheldon masturbating. He really wishes they didn't have to have this discussion ever!

Leonard: "Uh…perhaps, I'm not the one you should be talking to about this. You should talk to Amy or go read that book we got you again."

Sheldon: "Leonard, you're my best friend and I need your help. You have a girlfriend so you must have been through this before right? Does Penny ever watch you…?"

Leonard: "HEY! That my friend is none of your business!"

He then nods his head coming to his own conclusion about the matter based on Leonard's reaction to his question.

Sheldon: "So No. Well then, what am I going to do!?"

He sighs sadly feeling terrified while Leonard just rolls his eyes at him.

Leonard: "Sheldon, what are you so afraid of?"

Sheldon: "I'm concerned doing this will just give Amy even more wild and crazy ideas. I'm not sure I can do it. But, I can't back out now. I don't want to disappoint her again. Not after what happened on her birthday. She'll hate me if I do."

Leonard studies Sheldon's facial expression and realizes that Sheldon does look really worried about it.

Leonard: "Okay first of all Amy could never hate you, she adores you. Why that is, I have no clue! Second of all, if you really care about Amy and want to have children with her someday then this kind of stuff is just something you're going to have to get use to. Sure it'll be awkward at first, but eventually it gets better. Trust me I know what its like to feel insecure. You just have to be patient and RELAX! And, whatever you do, don't just rush girls hate that! Just try to enjoy the experience."

Sheldon: "Relax? Enjoy? How I am I supposed to do that huh? Leonard, I'm not like you. I'm very intelligent. I can't just turn my brain off and give into primal urges like you and the monkeys do."

Leonard: "Sheldon, if you're sooooo… smart then you should be able to figure it out! Don't act like you have never done this before."

Sheldon: "I have… just not with anyone watching me!"

Leonard: "Then just close your eyes and you won't even know she's there."

Sheldon: "Close my eyes? Really that's your advice?"

Leonard: "Yes! Now let me close mine and get some sleep!"

Sheldon: "Fine, but I must say I really expected more!"

He grumpily stands up and storms out of Leonard's room feeling very frustrated. He enters his own room and slams the door. He lies down on his bed in the fetal position still worried that he will get stage fright on Thursday and possibly even faint in front of Amy. He starts whimpering and moaning pathetically and all the annoying sounds he makes, keep Leonard from being able to fall asleep.

* * *

After a couple of sleepless hours listening to Sheldon's whining, a tired and grumpy Leonard finally gets out of bed and goes to the bathroom to start getting ready for his new job at the Cheesecake Factory.

As payback for not letting him sleep, Leonard sneaks out of the apartment once he hears Sheldon enter the shower and takes off for work without him. He listens to some Black Eye Peas music all the way to the restaurant and ignores his vibrating phone as he drives along the road peacefully for once without Sheldon there to fuss at him.

Sheldon scoffs angrily when he realizes Leonard has left without him and is now refusing to answer his text messages. He knows this means he has no other choice, but to get a ride with Penny to work. He walks across the hall and knocks on her door.

_Knock….Knock….Knock_

Sheldon: "Penny!?"

_Knock….Knock….Knock_

Sheldon: "Penny!?"

Penny takes one last sip of her morning coffee and waits for Sheldon to finish knocking, as she approaches her door still wearing her pajamas and bathrobe. But, Penny frowns when she doesn't hear him finish his trademark knocking routine, she waits for several seconds then finally she can't take it anymore. She opens the door to find out what's going on.

Penny: "Sheldon, what's wrong?"

Sheldon: "I need a ride to work, Penny. Leonard left without me. You're supposed to take over his responsibilities this week remember?"

Penny: "Yeah, yeah I know about all that, but…but you didn't finish knocking, you only did it twice. What's wrong with you?"

Sheldon: "Nothing. I simply chose not to knock a third time."

She wrinkles her brow in disbelief. Sheldon has never… NOT finished knocking before. Is this a sign of the apocalypse she wonders?

Penny: "Uhhhhhhhhhh….um, okay well let me get dressed and I'll be right out."

Sheldon nods his head at her and waits as Penny closes her door again. She stands on the other side of the door waiting to see if he will finish knocking now, but he still doesn't finish it. Penny finally gets upset, she can't believe he is not going to finish his routine. She reopens the door and frowns at him.

Penny: "Okay now you're being CRAZY! You have never, not finished knocking Sheldon. You have to finish!"

Sheldon scoffs at her attitude.

Sheldon: "Penny it's not a big deal. I don't have to always knock the same way every time."

Penny: "YES! It is a big deal! You always knock on my door the same way, every time! It's what you do! You HAVE to do it!"

Sheldon: "No, I don't."

Penny: "Yes you do!"

Sheldon: "No. I'm fine."

Penny: "FINE!?"

Sheldon: "Fine."

Penny closes the door again. She is still confused by Sheldon's sudden change of behavior, but she slowly walks back to her room to get ready.

He looks at his pocket watch while waiting outside Penny's door. He waits for a few more minutes until the time is just right then he knocks on Penny's door one last time and screams her name very loudly.

_Knock….Knock….Knock_

Sheldon: "PENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!"

His screaming frightens her so Penny races back to the living room and opens the door.

Penny: "OH MY GOD! What is it!? WHAT'S WRONG!?"

A mischievous odd-looking smile spreads across his face.

Sheldon: "BAZINGA!"

Penny: "huh?"

He makes a strange sound that almost sounds like laughter and his own prank.

Sheldon: "Oh Penny, you should have seen the look on your face."

Penny shakes her head irritated with his ridiculous little prank, but before she can say anything about it he walks straight into her apartment. He heads for her bedroom and then walks right into Penny's closet.

Penny: "Sheldon, what the hell are you doing now? Get out of my closet!"

He ignores her demand and starts looking through her clothes trying to find a suitable ensemble for her to wear to work at the university. He frowns and scoffs at the choices in front of him.

Sheldon: "Penny, you need to dress more like a scientist not a waitress if you're going to work in a physics lab. These clothes in your closet are all terribly inappropriate."

He holds up a sparkly pink tube top dress with utter disdain for it. Penny glares at him for insulting her wardrobe, especially since she considers his nerdy style to be totally un-cool.

Penny: "HEY! I don't need any advice from you on what to wear okay."

Sheldon: "You are entering into my world now Penny, which means you need to look the part. No more dressing like its three am on Santa Monica Boulevard and you're waiting for your next "hook-up," you clearly need help."

He suddenly whips out his cell phone and calls up Amy. Penny folds her arms up resisting the growing urge to punch him. Amy answers the phone while she is the car on her way to her own lab.

Amy: "Good morning, Sheldon."

Sheldon: "Hello, Amy. I need you to come over to Penny's apartment straight away."

Amy: "But, Sheldon, I'm on my way to work. I've got a meeting with my new research team in forty minutes."

Sheldon: "Then get here in ten. I need you to come and give Penny a quick lesson in how to dress appropriately for a scientist."

Penny: "Seriously? You think I'd actually take fashion advice from her! She dresses like a grandma!"

Amy: "HEY I HEARD THAT!"

Sheldon: "And…what exactly is wrong with her dressing like my me maw? Amy's look is that of a wise, thoughtful and kind woman who doesn't have to flaunt herself for attention."

Amy: "Aww..thanks Sheldon."

Sheldon: "You're welcome Amy."

He puts phone on speaker and then looks at Penny again.

Sheldon: "You on the other hand dress more like a two dollar hooker."

Amy overhears Sheldon's rude remark to Penny. She opens her mouth in shock while Penny gasps angrily.

Penny: "Did you just call me a hooker!?"

He rolls his eyes at her question and then slowly picks up a pair of Penny's very high stiletto heels lying on the floor in a pile of other mismatched shoes.

Sheldon: "Well yes if the shoe fits."

Penny grabs her shoe out of his hand and yells at him.

Penny: "So I like to dress sexy when I go out…SO WHAT!? I never had any complaints from anyone about it before!"

Sheldon: "That's because most people have two dollars to spare."

Penny gasps and glares at him for being so rude to her.

Amy: "Sheldon thats very rude! Let Penny wear what she wants too!"

Penny: "Thank you Amy. Oh uh…sorry I call you a grandma."

Sheldon: "Don't be sorry for that; all decent people love their me maws. Be sorry that you just earned yourself a demerit.

Penny: "What!? But…I…didn't…!"

Sheldon: "Nope, it's too late for any excuses, the demerit stands. And, now you've only got fifteen more minutes to get dressed. If we are late to work because of you then I'll have no choice, but to issue out another one and you know what that means! Met me at the car in fifteen, I'm out of here."

He quickly says goodbye to Amy over the phone. But, Amy tries to tell him how much she is looking forward to Thursday night. Sheldon then hangs up to avoid having to discuss it further and Amy assumes the phone has just got cut off. Penny sighs, feeling both angry and confused as Sheldon leaves her apartment and heads down the stairs. She grumpily throws on a more conservative looking outfit than she usually wears hoping it will please him enough that he won't keep insulting her or issue out any more demerits.

Penny hates how bossy and rude he is behaving, but she assumes he doesn't really mean to hurt her feelings. It's obvious to her that something else is bothering him so she gets dressed in a hurry and heads out to her car to find out why he is acting even crazier than usual.


End file.
